take a step forward, and hop back 5 times.
and it's sunday again. funny how i keep on looking forward for the week to be over, but then i realise i have nothing to be excited about on the following week: no school on monday, no date on tuesday, no CCA on wednesday, no lunch outing on thursday, no early day off school on friday. and then saturday comes and i go for my class, and maybe hang out with my Lem Chop after that and then it's sunday again.but one thing is for sure, i cannot wait for this MONTH to be over. to get my postings, or be called up for the course interview or written test, and then get myself enrolled to a school and start fussing about clothes and shoes and bags. it's fun, to have something to do. i cannot wait for this MONTH to be over so my friends are done with their semestral exams and CTs and then we can all go out for photo outings, cyling outings and then BBQ and chalet like mad. and then lunch dates won't be such a hassle, no longer have to accommodate to things like homework or project datelines or what time school lets out.
sometimes when i think about things, i create goals that i never really bother jotting down, or be serious about things. it's like there's this force pulling me from the back of my shirt. the one that automatically brings you back to reality when you make a goal bigger than your capability. (but anything is possible, no?) maybe it's because i failed my parents once and then there's this stupid voice that says "eh, you already screwed up once, what makes you so sure you won't screw up again?" and i'll just stay at the crossroad and try not to make a move because i really don't know what to do, which path to take.
the future is really scarey. i don't know what it holds for me, if i am doing the right thing. i can only plan things as i want it to be, but then again i wouldn't know what's my fate like. the uncertainty scares me alot. what if i fail again, what if i won't like what i am doing, what if i shall never find another person to love and who loves me back, what if i don't like my boss, what if i die before i achieve anything? what if, what if, what if?
Kin told me that i think too much, that i really shouldn't think about the "what if-s" situation once too many times. i can't help it to think. i really can't. i'm the type who likes to sit down at a cafe to observe and to think. i'm not the type who'd go bungee jumping off a 70-storey building or something. (maybe absail down, but no bungee, no.) maybe thinking too much and having all these pessimistic thoughts overpowering the optimistic ones is the reason why everytime i try to take a step forward, i go back 5 steps.
i'm like a prisoner to my own thoughts. and that's a sad reality.
posted by Myz @ 12:18 PM
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