RANDOM-ISM.

she wants the limelight.

i admit it: i do crave my parents' attention very badly. i am jealous of all of my siblings who got to be pampered by them longer than i have ever had, i am jealous of my siblings for being able to get their attention and talk to them so damn easily but i can't. i am jealous how much they make a fuss about their needs but seldom mine. and i am angry how my siblings take all these for granted.


i thought i'll be able to spend more time with them, now that i am school-less and job-less but i guess i'm wrong. as much as they try to spend time with family, work and other obligations always take them away from doing so. dad's working hours suck, mom's busy-ness suck, all those meetings that they have every other day suck. no matter how early i wake up so i can have breakfast with them, they won't be there. they'll be off somewhere. and i hate the phonecalls because when the person at the other line asks where they are, i don't know what to say because i really don't know anything.


it sucks to wake up to an empty house, to go out and leave and empty house and come back home to an empty house. it sucks to have an elder brother who you can't talk to because he's so busy with his own life. it sucks to have younger sisters you have to take special care of because you don't want them to go astray. it sucks to have to set a good example to them but you yourself don't have a good example to look up to. it sucks to be expected of so many things, and it sucks when i let them down. it sucks to care so much, but not get the same treatment. it sucks to try to respect others but then others just bring you down again and again.


everyone is busy with their own lives, their own stuff. i cannot expect anyone to spend all of their time with me, no i can't. i confine myself in my room because its better to be in a smaller enclosure alone instead of a big one. a bigger enclosure just rubs in the pain of being alone. it gets depressing just staring at the walls and ceiling and watch the fan spin round and round with all kinds of thoughts in my head, then wallowing in self-pity and then scold myself for doing such a thing and then read a novel and then go back to square one: i start staring at the walls and talk to myself again.


i can't possibly tell them how i feel because i don't think they should be burdened with such a trivial matter. my feelings don't matter, but theirs do. alot. alot. alot alot alot. i don't want them to think that i am ungrateful for bringing me up, or providing me shelter and clothes. it's not that. i just want their attention, but i guess i'm just too chicken to say anything. people say i am selfish to myself, but then isn't it better to be selfish to yourself rather than taking the risk of paining their hearts and tell them how i feel?


no, don't say anything. don't say a single thing.

posted by Myz @ 2:04 PM