the part where i'm losing.
one thing that really irritates me is rude awakening, and then being left alone at home. dad does it everytime. little does he know that i only fall asleep in the wee hours of the morn because i have been up all night reading novels over and over again and when he wakes me up by banging on the door so hard even though he knows i'm a very light sleeper, i'd get really agitated. easy on the door man, i wake up at the very feeling of a stray strand of hair flying on my leg.and i really don't see the point of me waking up so early (10-11 am) because no one is at home for me to talk to anyway, and i can easily finish all the chores in half an hour so there's nothing left to do but go back to my room to read or go online and wait for people or play games or watch a dvd or something. i know there is no chance of making myself breakfast or lunch because there is nothing that's worth cooking here in this house, so might as well leave me be in my sleep and forget all about my hunger, my pathetic loneliness and whatever nots.
i hate it when i think too much, like the voices in my head won't go. it's like i'm talking to myself all the time. i mean, i talk to myself in my room, yes, but then when i am doing my chores or shitting or bathing, my muse will dutily appear to fuck around with my thoughts and i cannot seem to ever make it go away. i try, but then i'll listen to his substantial reasoning and then i'll agree with him and i'll just allow it to fuck me up inside further. and then i'm no longer waving in my thoughts, more like drowning.
i'm not the type of person who'd throw a tantrum, or show how i really feel. it's not of my nature to do that. i am the type who allows herself to keep everything inside because i think it's selfish to let other people know and allow the possibility whereby other parties may be hurt to come true. it's really frustrating, this overwhelming pandemonium of emotions that i have bestowed to my heart. it's hurting me, aching me, sometimes i cannot breathe. sometimes it aches so much harder than when i broke up with my boyfriend or when granpa died or something.
but then i'll think about how it saves other people from feeling the way i am, so i just let out a heavy sigh and go one listening to my muse, the one that doesn't shut up at all.
posted by Myz @ 12:15 PM
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