+/-
ALHAMDULILLAH.
my interview went smoothly. the guy who wished me good luck in the waiting room (lionel or leonard or something) was my interviewer and he was really friendly and stuff. all smiles there. i am afraid that my group-scenario thingy will affect my entire assessment. oh well, it's over, the butterflies in my tum have miraculously escaped and now all i have to do is wait for 3rd of march to arrive (omg omg omg Ides of March! beware! hahaha) so i can call the voice thingy thing thing and find out the results of my interview. -prays hard-to the person who hacked into my sister's email account in attempt to spread that ridiculously vulgaric rumour of her: do what you want, but what goes around comes around. one day it will happen to you too. if you think that this is going to bring my sister down, i am sorry, if we find out who you are, she's is going to be a better person and she will know better than to befriend someone like you. we know her better, she knows herself better and we hope that the recipients of the email that you have passed around will know better than to believe such stupid statements that you made. for goodness sake, she's only twelve, she's still young and naive, her style of writing is not like that, and she is aware of her dignity, of what is right or wrong. i think you need guidance. such hatred should be channelled through other mediums such as music or art, but here you are spreading rumours like a very low IQ-ed person. but thanks for revealing your immaturity.as much as i dislike my family at times, i hate people who diss my family or create rumours or put words in our mouth even more. seriously, that person better watch out when i find out who he/she is. no one messes with my family, and no one messes with me, especially after a smooth interview.okay, i feel so much better now. poor kid. only 12 and so much drama already.
OMG! IT'S COMING!
well, it's 1hr and 36 minutes into Sunday already. which means, tomorrow is monday. which means i have to get my ass up early and make my way to NP to the interview which now i am not sure to be described as the one that i have been anticipating since i withdrew from CJ or the one that i have been dreading since i got to know i got shortlisted for it.well, to calm those nerves of mine, i'm done with my Statement of Intent and the people who have read it so far thought it was good, and all wished me the best of luck and all the best for my interview. i hope my (completed) portfolio is good enough to impress the interviewers even more and that i can clinch a place in that course. time to get to school doing something that i like already! heh.anyway, something happened on my way home just now which had an impact on me: a Bangladeshi worker, seeing that i am in my tudung, bidded Assalamualaikum (Peace be upon you in Arab) to me with a smile and so i just smiled back and said Wa'alaikum Salam to him (peace be upon to you too in the same language). a stranger! one of a different race, different tongue and roots bothered to acknowledge a similarity between us (our religion) without a tinge of mockery in it. i mean, not that other people don't say hi to me or something, but it's usually people who know you who will even bother looking at you with a smile. and it's not as if people of my race don't give the salaam to me. it's like they'll add on after giving the salaam, which makes it really fake. kinda mocking in a way.for example, the guy will go "Assalamualaikum.." and then you know that you gotta answer him, or else it'll be sinful, or simply rude. so when you are about to answer his salaam, he adds on "kalau tak jawab dosa, kalau jawab mentel.." (if you don't answer, it's sinful and if you do, then you are flirtatious). and then you don't know what to do so you just walk away and appear anti-social.ah whatever, i just can't get to sleep.about. urm. 36 more hours? i don't know. i failed math.
Please don't make me cry.
FSV AT NP.
FILM, SOUND AND VIDEO AND NGEE ANN POLYTECHNIC.
i have an interview for that on monday at 1.00 pm. and i am really nervous. a gazillion butterflies are now fluttering in my tum that i can defy gravity. (ok, not really) i have yet to really sit down and write my statement of intent (3 more days to do that) and i am currently rushing to put my portfolio together. for now i only have a few of my best photos in my portfolio. my videos, yet to be burned into one whole cd, and i am sure that the quality would be bad. one montage that is impossible to get, certificates to be photocopied and no cca records. (because i do not really have one in secondary school, and i, well, quitted jc) so, yes, in conclusion, i am pretty screwed.gosh, i hope i can get my portfolio done all nicely by sunday night. wake up early and get there in time on monday. smoothsail through my interview (and actually speak up) and get into the course. for goodness sake, i withdrew from CJC for this! which makes me even more nervous because if i do not get into this course, then my sole purpose of quitting jc won't be fulfilled although i may be able to get into another media/design course in another poly. (4/5th of the choices i made were for courses of such nature. the other two were tourism and resort management and early childhood education. wtf, i know.)this is nerve wrecking.absolutely nerve wrecking.wreck wreck wreck.asdfhouyqw3jkkgansdnknavnmsnkbnj;s;hrgqw08g[ij43o09AKJOJIFASJOIHG34QJHOI!!!!!!!you do realise that i am updating just for the sake of updating, right?absolutely nerve wrecking.nervousness leads to writer's block.fucking nerve wrecking.
take a step forward, and hop back 5 times.
and it's sunday again. funny how i keep on looking forward for the week to be over, but then i realise i have nothing to be excited about on the following week: no school on monday, no date on tuesday, no CCA on wednesday, no lunch outing on thursday, no early day off school on friday. and then saturday comes and i go for my class, and maybe hang out with my Lem Chop after that and then it's sunday again.but one thing is for sure, i cannot wait for this MONTH to be over. to get my postings, or be called up for the course interview or written test, and then get myself enrolled to a school and start fussing about clothes and shoes and bags. it's fun, to have something to do. i cannot wait for this MONTH to be over so my friends are done with their semestral exams and CTs and then we can all go out for photo outings, cyling outings and then BBQ and chalet like mad. and then lunch dates won't be such a hassle, no longer have to accommodate to things like homework or project datelines or what time school lets out.sometimes when i think about things, i create goals that i never really bother jotting down, or be serious about things. it's like there's this force pulling me from the back of my shirt. the one that automatically brings you back to reality when you make a goal bigger than your capability. (but anything is possible, no?) maybe it's because i failed my parents once and then there's this stupid voice that says "eh, you already screwed up once, what makes you so sure you won't screw up again?" and i'll just stay at the crossroad and try not to make a move because i really don't know what to do, which path to take.the future is really scarey. i don't know what it holds for me, if i am doing the right thing. i can only plan things as i want it to be, but then again i wouldn't know what's my fate like. the uncertainty scares me alot. what if i fail again, what if i won't like what i am doing, what if i shall never find another person to love and who loves me back, what if i don't like my boss, what if i die before i achieve anything? what if, what if, what if?Kin told me that i think too much, that i really shouldn't think about the "what if-s" situation once too many times. i can't help it to think. i really can't. i'm the type who likes to sit down at a cafe to observe and to think. i'm not the type who'd go bungee jumping off a 70-storey building or something. (maybe absail down, but no bungee, no.) maybe thinking too much and having all these pessimistic thoughts overpowering the optimistic ones is the reason why everytime i try to take a step forward, i go back 5 steps.i'm like a prisoner to my own thoughts. and that's a sad reality.
the part where i'm losing.
one thing that really irritates me is rude awakening, and then being left alone at home. dad does it everytime. little does he know that i only fall asleep in the wee hours of the morn because i have been up all night reading novels over and over again and when he wakes me up by banging on the door so hard even though he knows i'm a very light sleeper, i'd get really agitated. easy on the door man, i wake up at the very feeling of a stray strand of hair flying on my leg.and i really don't see the point of me waking up so early (10-11 am) because no one is at home for me to talk to anyway, and i can easily finish all the chores in half an hour so there's nothing left to do but go back to my room to read or go online and wait for people or play games or watch a dvd or something. i know there is no chance of making myself breakfast or lunch because there is nothing that's worth cooking here in this house, so might as well leave me be in my sleep and forget all about my hunger, my pathetic loneliness and whatever nots.i hate it when i think too much, like the voices in my head won't go. it's like i'm talking to myself all the time. i mean, i talk to myself in my room, yes, but then when i am doing my chores or shitting or bathing, my muse will dutily appear to fuck around with my thoughts and i cannot seem to ever make it go away. i try, but then i'll listen to his substantial reasoning and then i'll agree with him and i'll just allow it to fuck me up inside further. and then i'm no longer waving in my thoughts, more like drowning.i'm not the type of person who'd throw a tantrum, or show how i really feel. it's not of my nature to do that. i am the type who allows herself to keep everything inside because i think it's selfish to let other people know and allow the possibility whereby other parties may be hurt to come true. it's really frustrating, this overwhelming pandemonium of emotions that i have bestowed to my heart. it's hurting me, aching me, sometimes i cannot breathe. sometimes it aches so much harder than when i broke up with my boyfriend or when granpa died or something.but then i'll think about how it saves other people from feeling the way i am, so i just let out a heavy sigh and go one listening to my muse, the one that doesn't shut up at all.
NEIGHBOURHOOD SOOPERHERO.
hello
ryan hadi! ni untuk awak! pasal awak la kawan kita yang hati paling susah kita nak handle pasal awak punyalah unpredictable, ni kita tulis untuk awak ok!
for all the times you were there for me, for all the times you took my crap, for all the advice and comforting words that i need at times, and for tolerating my popularity for a while (due to the AM blog feature, haha) and admitting jealousy, i must thank you my dear dear friend. even though you abit (actually alot) sensitive, kadang-kadang sakit hati orang to the max (you know everyone i know la, wtf) and went to create a clan when i was away only for 3 days and have more comments even though YOUR blog tak dapat feature, kita masih thank awak pasal awak takda, kita macam lost (not really) or gelisah gitu. don't know, i am loss for words cos you are simply one of the bestest friends i have crossed paths with in my life, ok? :)
anyway, awak the other half of mel.co, apa! (wah, mel.co now da ada divisions sendiri seh!)
jadi, kalau on sunday's post you didn't see your name, encik ryan hadi,
KITA THANK YOU AND AM REALLY GLAD AWAK KITA NYE FRIEND, UNDERSTAND? -hugs and kisses and blowjobs-
"i love you, why won't you let me?
'cos it's my birthday yarr.."
to other readers: this is purposely written this way because i talk to him like this. well, not really but shut up la, this is for ryan. ;p you want me to feature you, drop me an email if you know my email. or else just tag me. haha.
we love shoes.
i got so bored at home that i started styling my hair by combing it from the back to the front and then adding fake long sideburns and stuff. then i got bored again i shooked my head violently and everything (my hair) fell back to place. so i took my digital camera and started snapping pictures around the house and found myself standing in front of the pile of shoes we chuck behind the door and now i am actually amazed with the amount of footwear the family owns. so, SHOE DISPLAY! :D
the rack outside. the one in between the chairs.
the one next to the gate. outside the house too.
mom's slip-ons lying around.
track shoes and soccer boots at the lowest shelf.
the second shelf. some slippers and mir's heels and ballet pumps, black slippers.
my quater. 3 slippers and a leather sandal.
mom's heels and shoe. just some of the many others.
the cupboard.
behind the door!
okay, because i love myself. hahahahaahaha.
thank God i have a friend called farah whom i can just talk about anything with her! :D i forgot to mention her in the previous blog and dear farah was like reading and reading and couldn't find her name although i swear i rememberd typing her name but oh well, this is for her.
i think i need more shoes, though. baked beans is selling me her red JP sneakers, so yeah, another pair for me! okay, this entry sounds ridiculously bimbotic.
i love!
although it was yesterday,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, OUR LOVELY LEM FRIEND. :) may the problems that we spoke of last night be solved and everything shall be okay for you soon. here's to you and to many many many great outings together and a great friendship for as long as we can make it to be. i hope you enjoyed the mini-celebration with us last night, so yeah. :)
my oh my, how it just dawned on me that we are all grown up. and when it seems just like yesterday that we were doing all things juveniles were meant to do, tomorrow brings a brand new day where we all think too much, feel too much, talk too much, cry too much. isn't it amazing how we all outgrow things that we used to do? isn't it amazing how we push aside trivial but fun fun fun things like hanging out at the playground with lolipops and popsicles and now hang out at cafes with out lattes and our tea-cakes. meeting up with friend is not just about having fun now, but it's also to let out feelings that we have kept for so long inside, to have a shoulder to cry on, or a smile to pass on. happy days aren't just our birthdays but our anniversarries, our graduation, our first pay. magazines no longer contain comics of our favourite cartoons, but pictures of celebrities we are both fond and jealous of.
in life we change but we don't realise it cos it doesn't come in a bang. it comes in stages. like relationships, like education, like a part of a book. there's a beginning, some conflicts, the climax and then it ends. whatever the ending it may be, sometimes we know, sometimes we don't know. sometimes, we don't want to know. sometimes, we work hard so everything goes like we want it to be.
i pleed the fleeting moment to remain, but then the moment shall fade away. just like all of our memories. very very vivid and strong at some point in our life, but eventually it shall fade away. so right now, i am so happy i am blessed with friends like
LEM and CHOP, and
JER and AIRELL, and
RYAN and DIL and RAHS. i really shouldn't bother about people who are there to bring me down. parasites, that's what they are.
WTF.
I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY WHO SLEEPS IN THAT ROOM ACROSS MINE, THE ONE THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO CALL BROTHER.i don't know whatever it is that he has against me but I AM SO SORRY I HAD TO INTRUDE YOUR LIFE BUT THAT WAS NOT OF MY DOING so fucking live with it that there ARE other people in your family other than yourself.
i really hate it when i swear on such a holy (or whatever) day (today is hari Asyurah. whatever it is. but it is a good day to pray.) but his actions are getting on my nerves.
i dare to announce that i shall feel no remorse on his deathday, if he dies before me. and i'll be so glad if i get out of his life before he is removed of his.
and if he is reading this, good now that you know.
she wants the limelight.
i admit it: i do crave my parents' attention very badly. i am jealous of all of my siblings who got to be pampered by them longer than i have ever had, i am jealous of my siblings for being able to get their attention and talk to them so damn easily but i can't. i am jealous how much they make a fuss about their needs but seldom mine. and i am angry how my siblings take all these for granted.
i thought i'll be able to spend more time with them, now that i am school-less and job-less but i guess i'm wrong. as much as they try to spend time with family, work and other obligations always take them away from doing so. dad's working hours suck, mom's busy-ness suck, all those meetings that they have every other day suck. no matter how early i wake up so i can have breakfast with them, they won't be there. they'll be off somewhere. and i hate the phonecalls because when the person at the other line asks where they are, i don't know what to say because i really don't know anything.
it sucks to wake up to an empty house, to go out and leave and empty house and come back home to an empty house. it sucks to have an elder brother who you can't talk to because he's so busy with his own life. it sucks to have younger sisters you have to take special care of because you don't want them to go astray. it sucks to have to set a good example to them but you yourself don't have a good example to look up to. it sucks to be expected of so many things, and it sucks when i let them down. it sucks to care so much, but not get the same treatment. it sucks to try to respect others but then others just bring you down again and again.
everyone is busy with their own lives, their own stuff. i cannot expect anyone to spend all of their time with me, no i can't. i confine myself in my room because its better to be in a smaller enclosure alone instead of a big one. a bigger enclosure just rubs in the pain of being alone. it gets depressing just staring at the walls and ceiling and watch the fan spin round and round with all kinds of thoughts in my head, then wallowing in self-pity and then scold myself for doing such a thing and then read a novel and then go back to square one: i start staring at the walls and talk to myself again.
i can't possibly tell them how i feel because i don't think they should be burdened with such a trivial matter. my feelings don't matter, but theirs do. alot. alot. alot alot alot. i don't want them to think that i am ungrateful for bringing me up, or providing me shelter and clothes. it's not that. i just want their attention, but i guess i'm just too chicken to say anything. people say i am selfish to myself, but then isn't it better to be selfish to yourself rather than taking the risk of paining their hearts and tell them how i feel?
no, don't say anything.
don't say a single thing.
update more. (#01)
and so, i have ended the "
when i'm bored" series at issue number 20. and with that, i shall start another ridiculous series of blogs called the "
update more" series, inspired by the tag made by my good ol' pal, Sop. be sure to visit HIS blog, at
mrsop.blogspot.
kicking off today's issue, i shall talk about one of my weaknesses: my SHYness. (of course, you cannot expect me to be talking about you because for one thing, YOU may refer to anyone who is living on this decaying matter called earth who has access to this virtual reality we call the internet. so the probability of me knowing you is very low, despite the fact that it's almost senseless that i am expecting people from all around the world to randomly stumble upon my blog and read it, and thereby increasing the number of UNKNOWN readers out there. and why, this is my blog, that is exactly why we are talking about MY weakness here, not yours. and you're reading it so just shut up and listen.)
i may appear to be loud or outgoing or friend or whatever, but that is because i am comfortable with the company i am with, or have loosened up and have gathered my confidence so i am able to just be myself when i am around that certain company, but really, behind this face is a really shy girl who is actually afraid of making acquintances with people she hardly knows or knows just by face and name. i don't know what is it that makes me so shy, or afraid, but i just am. you cannot really blame me for getting to know you online and take years to gather the courage to meet up because i am shy, and afraid.
heck, i cannot even talk to my personal doctor. MY PERSONAL DOCTOR. when i was admitted into the hospital and had to go for all those interviews and check ups with Dr Fabian, mom/dad/whoever would have to repeat what i have said because i was so shy i talked so softly. people would expect that after my inpatient experience, i would have already be alright with the nurses and the doctors attending to me, but NOOOOOOOOOO, i was still SHY. SHY SHY FUCKEN SHY.
i'm really trying to deal with this problem, but everytime i try, i chicken out at the last minute and i'll just go back to what i have been, i become shy again. maybe i feel inadequate, maybe i feel that friends come and go so why should i waste energy and make more friends, maybe it's because i feel that many people are superficial when it comes to making friends for the first time and such, i don't know. but i think i think too much, i feel the unneccessary and therefore, i feel like shit and i suck.
i'm still shy anyway.
when i'm bored. (#20)
layout change: decided to use a very very very very old one instead of the ones that i have made especially for randomismonity.blogspot cos i just like the old one alot. and last time i checked i used this exact same layout for the last post for kimonsta.blogspot before i closed the blog, so cross your fingers i won't do the same for this one. (but i guess no one actually cares cos this blog is rather dead.)
i'm really glad that i didn't get promoted to J2. i read my friends' blogs on how they are struggling to keep awake, to keep sane, to pay attention in class and lectures and completing stuffs and understanding concepts, i don't think i would be doing well if i am in their shoes. so whoever is in J2 right now, good luck to you and i salute you. you're still alive after a month of J2 life. continue with the hard work, and work harder at the end of the year when the dreaded a's are drawing nearer.
i am sick of having a job for a short while only. now i am jobless again. and no school right now needs relief teachers. so basically, my everyday is a weekend: i sleep late (or not at all), wake up at noon, do some housework, idle on the internet, listening to music while reading another novel and then there are days when i find some company to go out with (this is usually once or twice a week. so for 5 days, i don't use the elevator at all) and waste my money. but i like going out, gives me something to worry about like what to wear, or how much i should limit my spendings to, or what time to go home (usually i don't care), or what to do, or where to go or whatever. at home, i just hate to think about the amount of laundry i must hang out to dry. i don't mind putting in the laundry in the machine, or bring in the clean and dried ones, but i really hate hanging out the laundry. mom says we'll be having a weekend maid soon (on weekdays, the maid goes to the uncle's family) but that won't change a thing cos there are still weekdays. blah.
my friends online think that its amusing how we send empty tupperware containers to granna's house everyday and they come back home filled. well, when both your parents are working and they don't bother to stock up the fridge (or give you money to stock up the fridge), desperate measures call and you must thank your granna for cooking for you and your family. not that i am complaining, granna cooks good good good food and perfect rice. :)
blogging has lost its sheen. its either that, or i have lost my purpose. heck, i don't even have a purpose. oh, blah.
