my heart is caught in a landslide
every last strand of hope for him to surface has completely diminished into the thin air last night when we fought about something so stupid and he has to be a jerk about it. i was going to say sorry but then things that he brought up which isn't related to the actual reason why we fought overshadowed my good intentions.for years i have hoped for an elder brother, for years i created this imaginary elder brother figure and talked to him, and for years i have hoped that certain qualities i made up in that imaginary one will show up in my real elder brother, but then i guess none of it will. nope, not a single one. nada, zilch, kosong, zero. now i know how he feels about me: he feels ashamed i am his sister, and that makes it really clear: he shall never acknowledge me as such at his own free will. and i guess, i will do the same.
every elder that i respect has well earned it and deserve it. he has never done anything to earn to it, what more deserve it, and here he is thinking that just because he is older, i must respect him. there are many friends out there who are older than me that i do not respect, be it they are officially my elder or not, and those friends are those who are closer to me and knows me, not like him: he who doesn't know a single thing and judged me as if he knows every single thing about me like God does.
and here i am, heart etched. every dream since a little girl to have a brother, to have someone to talk to have died all together.
i guess life is just unfair. i shower my sisters with love and care, and i do not get the respect that i have worked hard for. i shower my sisters with love and care, and here i am standing on my own, no love and care from an elder sibling. it's not as if i'm loving and caring for my sisters because i want something in return, but once in a while being given the attention will be nice.
sometimes i wonder why is it the other elder brother had to die, why can't i be the one that God takes away from my family? another boy in the family, and one girl less, will make this family rather balanced and maybe that other child would have knock some senses or feelings to members of this family, unlike me: too afraid and insecure to tell them how i really feel.
i wish i wasn't so sensitive to everything people say to me. i wish my heart was made of stone. i wish that this mind of mine doesn't think too much like it does right now. i wish i can turn back time. i wish i never knew how he felt, and live in ignorance rather than knowing the truth and avoiding him my entire life. i wish i can choose my family.
"in our family portrait we looked pretty happy, let's play pretend, let's go back to that."
posted by Myz @ 12:14 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home