RANDOM-ISM.

i was bored. really.

posted by Myz @ 9:32 PM 0 comments

Conversation with the Alien Brother.

Hello, Stranger in with my Brother's Face.


why do you lurk my life? you're presence is a walking question mark to me. you look familiar, though. are you part of my history? or have i lost my memory? they say you're my brothher and i guess you're disguising really well. get out, alien, from my brother's body! bring back my brother to me..


no, after second thoughts, stay. i don't really love my brother any more anyway. "what happened?", you ask?! i myself don't know. but i guess i should just don't fret about it anymore. i lost someone i thought i knew before, so why should this one matter? "he's FAMILY." you say?! FAMILIES BREAK DOWN. MY FAMILY'S AN ENTIRE TROOP OF ACTORS. VERY GOOD ACTORS, I MIGHT ADD; WE SHOULD BE THE ONES WINNING THE GRAMMIES!


"why are you so numb?", you ask?! when you go through too much on your own and you bottle all of it up inside, the feeling just overtakes you and you can't control how you want to be. you start doing stupid things, things you know that are senseless, pointless, against your morale and religious upbringing; things you never imagined you'll end up doing when you were young and naive. you scrutinized people even though you know better than to blindly judge because they have something that you don't. you wonder why these things happen to you, and you wonder if these are challenges created by your own mind or is God really testing your faith, your will, your trust, your hope, love and fear. but still you act as if you're strong because that is what people think of you. but people do not hear you talking to yourself, people do not see you weeping and hurting yourself in the dark hours of the night. you roam places hoping to be seen and treated properly but you are still very, very invisible to everyone. respect you try to earn, hearts you try to please, love you try to find but ignorance is forever bliss.


"you just contradicted yourself. you're full of emotions." yes i know, we all do.


"so do you still want your brother back?" no, too late for that now.


"how come?" he's gone.


"but he's still alive, here, with me. somewhere." he's already dead to me anyway.






we sing a chorus we both know. but we don't see that connection.






"When I am alone, I feel so much better.

When I'm around you, I don't feel together."

posted by Myz @ 3:07 PM 0 comments

the atiq breaks down.

okay, so what can you conclude when they day that i break down in front of everyone finally came? she totally lost it man, she totally lost it. i never thought she'd break down and cry, she seems so emotionless, so adaptabale and happy. what in the world happened? i don't know but now everyone knows i've been pretending.


i meant to have it tucked away from everyone but i guess kin was right. i bottled too much inside and i'm only human too and thus the point will come when i just can't take it any longer and shall burst out into tears. ryan told me, "don't waste your opportunity, man. you don't want to screw things up like i did" but i really don't know. maybe the opportunity offered isn't the one that i like, or want.


i know what i want, but i know, i just can't get it, yet. and i just don't want to wait any longer. everyday, it just hurts even more to pretend. and it's ironic. people out there now know how i feel and what i want, but they are totally oblivious to it.


i know they meant the best for me, but maybe what they are giving me isn't what i need. and i guess im too chicken shit to tell them. (or maybe the fact that i know things will not change; i'm still choiceless).


howell, seoul garden awaits me in a while. food is comfort. sorry steff, im gonna eat meat today.

posted by Myz @ 11:15 AM 0 comments

sugar rush.

WOOOHOOOO. LDJ NOTES ARE UPPP. this shows that you don't have to attend lectures to have your lecture notes. be like me: skip school, and get your lecture notes online. nyehahaha.


honestly, i really should tell him that i fancy him. but this part of me says that this feeling is nothing serious, but its bad whenever i am with nurul or with my cousins, i'll go "HE'S SO CUTE. AND HE'S SO INTELLIGENT. HE'S JUST THE RIGHT GUY". so what he has an attitude problem? nyeh.


okay, that wasn't me.


so steffi has this display picture of a lamb crying and a caption saying "See me cry. Why do I have to die?". if you are new to this blog, steffi is a human rabbit, she's a herbivore and if you think i'm unaware that she's reading this, you're wrong, i am aware. but really, i just like to disturb her. (sorry, steffi. no offense but i guess i'll be ChinYang version Online. see, fsv haunts you.) and i have this display picture of some cartoon crying and i tell her "you see me cry? why do i have to live?" and she told me "the lamb's the one dying" and i said "maybe it wants to live but i want to die. so ALL HAIL CANNIBALISM!" and then she had to go "NOOOOOOO!! HAIL HERBIVORISM!!!" then the conversation stopped here because we knew better than to start another meateaterversusvegetarian debate. i may know steffi only after the first 3 mths, but i am already sick of it. i wonder how zara feels. now she tells me to go to www.goveg.com to knock some vegan-sense into my system. so steffi, i know you'll be reading this, here's to you:


I ONLY EAT FROM THE VEGETARIAN STALL AT SCHOOL NOW.


and if it makes you feel better, i have vegan days now too. and fruiterian days. so my week is more or less divided into three: 2 days for Fruit Days, 2 days for Vegan Days and 3 days for ALL I CAN EAT days.


i think i just contradicted myself. but heck. this entire post is kinda, crazy.


OKAY, NOW WHO WANTS TO GO FOR PRATA THIS WEEK? (prata has no meat unless you eat the curry, steffi. so the offer is open to you too.)

posted by Myz @ 7:57 PM 0 comments

and when i look back.

i miss:


my childhood very much. when i didn't dread going to school and when i did, dad will beat me up until i couldn't sleep. i want nights to go back as they used to be, when i sit in the hall playing with whatever toys i have or watching tv or reading a book and then when daddy steps out of the house, i'd cling so tightly but he'll shake me off and go off, slamming the gate behind him and i'll wait by the door until he comes back, always thinking that he's gone out to get those sweet sweet mangoes that i love. i want those people i play with at the playground every afternoon, with no strings attached, knowing each other only by face and my their first name; no promises but mutual hope to see each other the next day again. i want siblings and cousins that i was so close with before: we'd play hide and seek, pretend to be doctors and teachers, and hiding slippers and set out to find them even though there are 13 stories of the block to seek. i want those days when i have the maid to talk to although sometimes we don't see eye to eye, i had someone to talk to. and i miss those days when bestfriends meant forever and then we'd fight but still make up after that and everything's fine.


but everything is just different now. i guess people change and i change. people i used to know are just gone. and people i didn't know are now just shadows in my life, lingering on the ground upon which i stand on.




i wonder if anything's going on between them. she knows so much of him, and he's so mysterious, i get jealous just looking at them.

posted by Myz @ 5:02 PM 0 comments

The Healthier Probiotics Drink.

my maths has improved: for the first time i knew i got extra change from the lady selling yakult. aanyway, that's not the main concern of today's post. for today's post, i shall be discussing about.. THE OVERLY PAMPERED KIDS OF TODAY. and the reason for this discussion is because rah's niece has an IPOD NANO. and she's waaay younger than i am and thus, not compatible with such a sleek and expensive gadget.


okay. so kids these days are very pampered. okay, you have to include those kids with financial help at school although society today may feel that they deserve the help and yada yada yada, but really, we all are very very very pampered and overprivelaged. so i think to make this post coherent (unlike most of my other posts), i should start from kids who are from lower-incomed families.


kids from lower-incomed families are no exception when it comes to pamperism. the proof: their parents work so freaking hard for them to go to school. in the old days, the kids themselves have to work alongside with their parents in order to pay for school fees. (if they(kids today) are malays, all the more they are pampered as they get free education up to JC level) and they have the privelage of getting bursaries if their parents still cannot afford school fees and stuff. see, PAMPERED.


then the middle-class kids. though they are not able to get EVERYTHING that they want, they get things occasionally. for example, they do well for an exam, they get something in return. so when kids these days do really well for exams and they come from middle-class families or higher, you know what drives them to do well. REWARDS. well, don't blame their parents to be giving such things to them, blame the government for introducing the concept of meritocracy in the education system.


oh, rich kids they have every reason to be dispised. if it's not for their "i want this so i should have it" attitude being a pain in their parents' ass, i guess they wouldn't get what they want. ooh, and i really hate it when a rich kid inherits something from their parents and multiple that amount they have in their bank accounts, cos they didn't earn it. it's a freaking rip off.


but in singapore, people are generally financially stable and kids are able to suck up to their parents to get what they want and parents are unable to take control of the demands of the this spoilt brats. or maybe they just love their kids too much that it becomes unbearable to see their kid's pain of not being able to have that ipod nano, or that playstation 2, or that xbox, or that nokia 8800, or those shoes/dress/jeans/bag.


i SALUTE parents (like mine) who make their kids work hard to get what they want. true that i do feel kind of jealous when my friends have better gadgets i have or have nice things and higher allowances or whatnots, but hey, at least i have a little something something of my own. and all the more i treasure it cos i got it on my own, with my own sweat and blood. :D


oh ZARAAAAAAAAAA, we must go to burger king and get that kiddy's meal. cos my uncle wants me to get that Totally Spies toy thing for my cousin. and he's not in singapore. so BURGER KING FOR LUNCH TMRW?

posted by Myz @ 6:03 PM 0 comments

gotta love the siew mai.

okay steffi, it you're reading this, stop. cos i'm gonna rant about the joy of the chicken siew mai.


every week, there are 3 days that i look forward to: Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. well, wednesday cos there's FSV and i'll get together with my muchos loving people of the same interests and we'll just be whacked. and Fridays. who doesn't love Fridays anyway? it's the bloody start of the weekend! :D and well games day but that's gonna end with promos coming on next week and stuff. and then SUNDAY, aka THE ULTIMATE SIEW MAI DAY. that's the day when i get up at a reasonable time (for a weekend) and drag myself to religious class and deligently wait for the clock to strike one for our hour break so that i can go and attack the siew mais that had been immersing in the heat of the steamer. aah, the joy that it brings..


see, siew mais are a necessity to me. i have to have my siew mais at least once a week. the torture of queing up at the back of the line (and sometimes cutting it cos i know EVERYBODY, haha) to standing at the back of the counter and ordering "(insert amount here) chicken siew mais please" and then finally trot away, holding the plastic bag at the edges and then finally sinking my teeth into the siew mai skin, followed by the steamed chicken and my munch oh so slowly to lavish the taste before finally pushing it down my throat and into my stomach. ooh, yum. when it comes to siew mais, the law of diminishing returns does not apply at all. in fact, i'd consider it as perfectly price inelastic (or unitary. whichever applies. accuracy of concepts is rather irrelevant when we're talking about food alright.): an increase in price will NEVER EVER bring about a fall in quantity demanded for siew mai for me. hee.


so remember: 3 siew mais a week keeps this girl happy. :D


well, this is the side effect of deprivation of sleep and lack of company for lunch at the school canteen.


oh, check the new ego picture edits at my friendster account if you want. well, just an asylum for you bored people out there. i know you guys are obsessed with me. that's why you're here. no? don't bluff.

posted by Myz @ 12:09 PM 0 comments

like, phwoar.

i am a crazy bugger. first part of the week it has been orchard for three straight days and then the next part was tampines for three straight days. honestly, i need to venture other parts of this island.


yesterday's outing with the religious class people was quite alright although the miscommunication was bad to a LARGE extent. who would guess that we mistook Bedok Food Centre for Bedok Corner and that Ustazah Zaidah's phone was spoilt at the wrong timing? and who would guess that bus 10 will come only after an hour of waiting and then when we got down, there were about three more of the same bus number at the back of it? well, the company was fine although i was countlessly tormented by farid and nurul. and I CAN FREAKING SPEAK MALAY OK!! and stop calling me AYU. for i am not ELEGANT. FAR FROM IT. yep.


well, sometimes deaths cause people to come close together. i'm closer to my cousins now, or so i think. well, with so many get togethers to pray for the dead, how can i not be closer to them?


promos are in 13 days and mugging is a word still missing in my dictionary.


i'm wondering what in the world that i've been bloggin matters to you, reader, so far. heh.


howell.

posted by Myz @ 10:31 PM 0 comments

dead.

death once again came so close and then passed me and took the life of someone else.


the aunt's passed away. and i feel nothing, really. i'm just dazed.


well, happy birthday angel.

posted by Myz @ 1:37 PM 0 comments

three in a row.

i really ought to get my lazy ass to be more productive when it comes to studying. and housework. and posting photos on my blog. but i guess i'll leave the photos out till the outing with the religious class people on friday night is over.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZARA!


well, finally went out with the fsv people and not eating pizza or going to suntec city but at plaza singapura at thai express and a chocoloate mousse cake. :D got zara her mini tote and i got myself my clutch/shoulder bag (which was supposed to be for raya by the way but impatient me couldn't resist waiting so long before its actual use so i used it when i was out with airell and his friend just now) and now i am rather broke. but not so broke cos that date with the ASS clique got cancelled. so i guess we won't meet again till after ramadhan. bleah.


well, this is kinda boring. oh, finally got myself my athlete first album too. and i don't see how that relates to any part of your life, reader.


i need someone to organise my life. just the time management thing. priorities? i know how to settle that one.


dearest sudev, i think its you who has been using different nicks on my tagboard but please stop it. really. and if you think calling me antarctica actually pisses me off, it's not working. cos i'm so blurdy used to it. nyeah. go find some other evil way to make me shut up. :b


i swear i won't go to orchard for the next seven days at least!

posted by Myz @ 11:47 PM 0 comments

ah, their child prodigy.

and so he strikes again, mesmerising the elder ones with ability to do anything, his ability to be so PERFECT. a strong sense of jealousy and disgust lurks around the house, and especially around this physical being.


honestly, i can never be happy for the people around me unless i know them really well. i don't know what's wrong with me. maybe i am too neurotic and cynical about things. well, i don't know. that's what people percept me as anyway. naah, don't worry about her, she's just being her cynical and the neurotic self. haha. so they say.


was walking around plaza singapura with zara yesterday too and window shopping and stuff and created a whole new list of things that i ought to get like shoes and bags (whoo, what else?) and lingerie (thanks to zara's UNrandom but sudden outburst) and more shoes and bags. i keep on adding items to this list but i usually won't be able to get them cos i don't have the moolah, my dad has 4 kids and i don't have a job. so yeah, maybe i can use hari raya as an excuse. maybe.


honestly, i didn't know that the aunt's condition is so bad that her case's now handed over to hospices and things along that line. mom's telling me to visit her cos she's really sick but then i just feel awkward cos i'm not really close to that side of the family and the side of Singapore where she's at now is what i call, Matland. i'll really feel awkward visiting her. i mean, what can i say to her, and it's not as if i can do anything. she's bedridden and yeah, i just won't know what to do. it's like me and my brother but far worse. and if i were to go there, it'll prolly be like an hour bus ride and then getting lost in the midst of HDB flats and then stay for say, 20 mins, and then get lost again and another hour of bus ride. with my sister. how torturous can that be?


my, my, i AM evil.


aah, the wonderful sounds of slamming doors and blabbering voices. a perfect way to start the day i must say.

posted by Myz @ 9:23 AM 0 comments

whatever happened to HIATUS?

i cannot blog when there's a bitch next to me farting like i'm not next to her. her re-obsession with habbo hotel is irritating i tell you, depriving me of the laptop and all. and what's worse is that she won't bloody go for that holiday mom and dad planned for the brats' sept hols because she "wants to stay and study". like whatever man, you're practically hooked to the internet and the habbo hotel shit. at this point of time, she's reading everything that i am typing and the more she's making noise, the longer i'm gonna use the lappy.


aah, the joy of silence. (:


it's kinda uplifting to know a lot of secrets that people don't want to let out: it's easy to blackmail them. well, cruel you may say but i grew up being blackmailed by my primary 5 friend for the entire year and til i graduated from that primary school of mine because i forged my mom's signature on some stupid excursion form or class test or something. but now it's kinda stupid when i think abt it. the signature's already forged and there's nothing she can do abt it. primary schools don't have bloody detention. so yeah, back to blackmailing: i think it's a godsent concept of wanting to get things your way. but not everyone can blackmail, though. you gotta be sly enough know people's secret and know when is the perfect situation to blackmail. too much blackmail is just hazardous, not professional enough, you know?


naah, you wouldn't know.


i am supposed to be nice. right. nice nice nice. well if you haven't heard the news, NICE PEOPLE SUCK TOO. just like cool people, too many nice people in my school.


naah, not really my school.

posted by Myz @ 2:29 PM 0 comments

searching asylum.

existing in this house is rather difficult when one sister is all into punk rock shiet, another one into mainstream music and both just can't shut up. why can't they listen to brit rock or indie? gah. so here are some survival tips for those who wish to live under the same ceiling as i am (which i doubt any of you would want to):


1) have your own portable music player and good earphones to blast your ears.


2) actually learn to like the type of music they listen to.


3) have dinner outside unless you call and someone says there're instant noodles or someone is cooking or granna sent over some food for you.


4) try to get out as early as possible and come home as late as possible.


5) wash your own dishes and fold your own clothes.


6) lock your room and bring the key with you if you don't want your privacy to be invaded.


7) the first child gets the priority of the computer and the television and the food and almost everything else. next is the last child. then the 2nd last child. so the second eldest usually gets the leftovers. so avoid being the second oldest. (not that you can choose or anything. what you are is what you are.)


8) get used to the constant empty feeling and the irritated feeling.


9) get used to the "sometimes it's quiet in here, sometimes it's a zoo" atmosphere of this house.


10) be prepared to come back to an empty apartment.




yeah, i guess that's about it. gee, didn't i tell you to go away before? what the hell are you still hanging around here for?

posted by Myz @ 6:58 PM 0 comments

22:The Death of All Romance.

and so is the death of my ambitions. reading blogs from all over the world, i realise that i am rather incompetent when it comes to expressing myself and describing things in the most detailed or perfect manner in the english language, or in the malay language in fact. thus, i shall dismiss the dream of wanting to be a writer/journalist/english literature teacher in the future because i will have to compete with so many people who are way better than me. therefore, i shall just be a professional housewife. but even then, becoming a professional housewife would mean that i'd have to get married first. so where in the world am i gonna get myself a groom? never. cos this person (aka me) isn't pretty nor talented so why in the world would any guy want her, or even give her a second look without laughing behind her back?


i swear i have never cried in someone else's arms before.


aah, whatever. go away.

posted by Myz @ 12:52 PM 0 comments