she'll be coming round the mountains, when she comes
I am off to school, and settling matters involving my heart. Find me at my livejournal, chat me up at MSN, whatever. I'll come back here when I come back here.
P.S.: I'll still reply messages on my tagboard.
i had to
Now that it's time
Now that the hour hand has landed at the end
Now that it's real
Now that the dreams have given all they had to lend
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe try another time
And do I really have a hand in my forgetting?
Now that I've tried
Now that I've finally found that this is not the way,
Now that I turn
Now that I feel it's time to spend the night away
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe finally split the rhyme
And do I really understand the undernetting?
Yes and the morning has me
Looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs carefully.
Now that it's light
Now that the candle's falling smaller in my mind
Now that it's here
Now that I'm almost not so very far behind
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe follow another sign
And do I really have a song that I can ride on?
Now that I can
Now that it's easy, ever easy all around.
Now that I'm here
Now that I'm falling to the sunlights and a song
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And do I have to do just one
And can I choose again if I should lose the reason?
Yes, and the morning
Has me looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs more carefully.
Now that I smile,
Now that I'm laughing even deeper inside.
Now that I see,
Now that I finally found the one thing I denied
It's now I know do I stay or do I go
And it is finally I decide
That I'll be leaving
In the fairest of the seasons.
-Nico, The Fairest of the Seasons
This is not going to concern most of you, but I'm going to write it anyway.I'm sorry, but I had to do what I did last night. No doubt I do love you very much, no doubt about it at all, but I really feel that I should be taking a step back, look at the big picture, consider how everyone is feeling and do what I think is best: to learn how to let you go, to start letting you go, to move on and forget that I ever had feelings for you. I'm sorry, but I never really knew how you feel, you never revealed what's in the depths of your heart. Everytime she steps into the picture, my heart aches, and believe me, the heart has long been aching. I cannot carry that burden, and I cannot carry that guilt, that responsibility for your doubt of getting into a relationship because of me. I cannot stand to think that someone else's heart is aching because you don't want mine to do so.That is why I am making this sacrifice, though I think the word "sacrifice" itself sounds too harsh in this matter. I just want you to be happy, I want her to be happy. And hey, we can still be friends and I'll be happy for you. Don't worry about me, I'll be alright, I'll learn to be alright, and I hope one day I'll find another person, someone as good as you, or even better, someone I can learn to love with all of my heart as I had for you. Smile for me, please. Please don't do anything stupid. I do love you, Sharul Azman. But I guess it's time that I let go, and if you are holding on too, and for you to let go too.I'm so so so sorry."You are the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to. Goodbye to you."
no thanks to PMS
I don't know what's wrong with me: I am so emotional today. I cried during Extreme Makeover Wedding Edition and during the tribute for Destiny's Child at the World Music Awards just now.I guess I am PMS-ing.And that conclusion is based on the bad case of cramps I have been trying to endure since 12.45pm just now. (time check: 4.30 pm)Anyway, no reason to blog today, but just felt like it.A man was plucking a living goose, when his victim addressed him thus: "Suppose you were a goose; do you think you would relish this sort of thing?"
"Well, suppose I were," answered the man; "do you think you would like to pluck me?"
"Indeed I would!" was the emphatic, natural, but injusicious reply.
"Just so," concluded the tormentor; "that's the way I feel about the matter."
-The Man and the Goose,Ambrose Bierce
20 things (I think) you don't know about me
Since everyone is doing this (well, everyone meaning my sister and her friend Samantha) and I have so much free time (although I should really get my ass to go and pray right now), I'd think I'd feed you guys some things about me that you prolly didn't know (though I don't see why I should be revealing about myself here on the internet where even the people of Reykjavik or Sierra Leone, places of which I have never been to or know anyone from, can access) and will know once you have finished reading this post. (Right now, I think I blab too much.)20 things (I think) you don't know about me.
1) I have a smelly pillow. (why, alot of people have smelly pillows only that they don't admit it)2) I treat my smelly pillow as if it's a real person.3) I have a minor case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) that I have diagnosed because I don't like it when people mess with my things and leave them not like it was originally placed, but I don't mind if I mess with my things. Get it?4) I used to want to be a pop star.5) I love Barney although most people out there thinks he's one hell of a paedophile.6) I am shy, despite people telling me that I have a strong exterior.7) My tum is WHITE.8) My periods are not regular and I seriously do not want to touch on this one.9) I like doing the laundry.10) I can cry on inpulse.11) Since young, I always fantasized of being knocked down by a vehicle and it almost came true, thrice. I guess it's not my time yet.12) I have never gotten my tooth plucked by a dentist and I wish one day that I'll get my tooth plucked by a dentist.13) I want to be sedated.14) Sometimes, I surf porn. Especially the anime ones.15) I don't quite like Japanese Anime.16) I talk to myself. (but everyone talks to themselves, it's called inner conscience)17) I don't like it that I am Malay.18) Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid that I'll wake up blind.19) I want to die at 35, cos then I won't be too young or too old, and I guess by then my sins and my pahala will be balanced, somehow.20) I don't quite know what's true about me other apart from the colour of my ear wax (honey yellow).And since this post is totally on me, let's just post one humble photo of yours truely (the Superior being).(wah, so dark and garang)
**Picture taken in my darling cousin Reen's humble abode, of which I miss so much (the cousin and the humble abode) and do hope that one day I can find time (and money) to go out with her because it has been so freaking long.
iPhoto, very irritating, thank you
Ok, from my title, it's needless to say that I've got my 12" Apple Powerbook G4 today, and I am extremely happy that I managed to transfer 777 songs from the old Acer Travelmate to this baby within less than 2 hrs with the help of my humble 256MB Acer MP3 player.
BUT, yes, with the capital B-U-T, iPhoto is the most idiotic photo editting/uploading/whatever you call it software I have ever worked with because iPhoto, for one thing, unlike any other photo editing softwares I have worked with, doesn't even allow me to resize my photos! Oh, the horror!
Ok, so now I know where my Photoshop CD has gone missing (it was with Izyanti who passed to Zara who was supposed to pass it to me the next time she, Zara, sees me which is gonna be God-knows-when), I just gotta arrange a tete-a-tete with Zar so we can catch up on things, and I can get my Photoshop CD back.
Adobe, you rock balls and cotton.
I still love my lappy. I gotta get it a name.
AHMAGAH
My aunt zizah celebrated her *beep*th birthday last Saturday, but my uncle was already excited 5 days (or so) prior to the celebration because he went to the confectionary and requested an LV-shaped birthday cake for his dear wife because she is a crazy fan of LV and yeah, an LV cake would be out of this world.I want a *insertobjecthere*-shaped cake too. Only that I don't know what object/shape i want the cake to be.It's so nice to have someone to love you and do nice nice things for you.Uncle Bobby is one romantic, shopping-loving, hip and funkay with a good fashion sense, stuffed with lotsa love and sugar and spice and everything nice and outgoing uncle.Thanks Shan for the A is for Atiq and the Shan Loves Atiq thing. I shall post photos of the Chinatown and the you and the myself and the your stuffs next time, like when I get my 12-inch Apple Powerbook G4(!!!) in less than 24 hours. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay, more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)*seriously overspending for the past few days. i need someone to make me stick with my budget.
sunday again
2 more sundays before school starts. i am estatic.the gig at esplanade's waterfront last night was fantastic. too bad nurul wasn't there, or else she'd have enjoyed it alot.i'm really glad i made friends with farid and nurul. i mean, i am glad i have shan and jerald and reen and uncle bob to talk to, but i'm extra glad farid, nurul and myself got really close and stuff. well, especially nurul. ;)i don't quite talk to my family, i guess. this family is a rather passive family. well, some people say we look really happy together but then again i just don't know. it confuses me, you know. i wished there are times that i just don't think about them at all in one day and just don't care, but that cannot be made possible, now can it?some things just saddens me, and it saddens me even more because i try to do something about it but it's not working, and i feel so helpless and lost i wish i never really saw it happening at all.(after this comes a whole load of junk which i wrote in white and put in "tiny" font size so highlight it if you haven't got anything productive to do and want to read it. it won't concern the anyone reading this blog anyway cos i am certain the person i intend this paragraph to doesn't even read this stupid page.)and to YOU. i'm not sure if you are reading this or not, i mean since you have my link but you never leave a tag, and you're hardly online anymore. i am so confused of how you want me to feel, of how you are feeling and if everything you said even meant a thing. the thing is, i'm not yours and you are not mine, so i don't know if MY feeling jealous and all that can be justified cos i am so in love with you. sometimes you say things that make me feel so sad, but then again i can't be feeling sad because we are not together, your heart isn't really mine to keep and take care, and neither is mine. sometimes i wish you'd yell at me and say things that really really really really hurt me even more than right now and tell me to move on so i'll just move on even though i don't really want to. it's been 2 years, damn it. 2 years and i'm still holding on to something that i'm not even sure exists in the first place.i found a new bulletin board for media lovers like me. :) check it out here: Youth Media Circle.
ron & hermione!
Ron and Hermione and Yellowcard's Empty Apartment is equals to SUPER LOVE AND HAPPY HAPPY ME.
hardly had any sleep last night because of what happened so urm yeah, i'm gonna sleep during class later.
what is it that you want?
WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP, BUTTERCUP BABY, JUST TO LET ME DOWN AND MESS ME AROUND?i guess only nurul knows the situation i am in right now. i cannot be bothered sharing it with anyone else cos all it's gonna do is to make me swear even more.i was getting used to hovering in the background, why in the bloody world of ganja must you take me into the limelight and leave me alone there to feel insecure?WHY?
WHY?
WHY BLOODY WHY???
THE GAME OF LIFE!
Some people say that LIFE is a game: some win, some lose; there's the starting point, the high point, and the point where it all gets boring towards the end; some like the game, where others just suck at it; some are righteous, while some are cheats; and no matter the amount of cheatsheet or help you get, in the end, you either get punished or you begin to drown yourself and you do not feel the satisfaction when you win. But comes to think about it, games are supposed to be fun, keeps you away from all that stress; they are supposed to me an activity of which you enjoy, of which you voluntarily (or maybe sometimes involuntarily) chose to take part in.
Well, just now, I chose to take part in a game called.. THE GAME OF LIFE!! And sadly, I lost to this girl called NURUL SU'AIDAH (who kept on landing on the "Trade Salary Card with Any Other Player" parts and got my 90,000 dollars salary and I had to go through the game with HER 20,000 dollars salary) by 90,000 dollars because she was cruel and traded her salary card with mine. The game's like Monopoly, only this is better. You don't go round in endless circles (or squares) and don't end up in prison. And you don't have to pass "Go" to get $200. You can like pass your "Pay Day" and get your pay.
If I am ever to teach, I shall not teach primary school maths, not because I suck at math, but because they ask students questions like this:A mechanical pencil costs $8. A pen costs 25% more than a mechanical pencil. Jason spent $210 on some mechanical pencils and pens. If 80% of what he bought were mechanical pencils, how many more mechanical pencils did he buy than pens?
orThe ratio of the number of apples and pears in a fruitstall is 5:8. If 60% of the pears are sold, what percentage of apples must be sold in order for the number of apples and pears to be equal?
LIKE WHAT IN THE BLOODY WORLD OF GANJA ARE THEY TRYING TO DO TO KIDS THESE DAYS?? I pity my sister, alot.Thank goodness I won't have to deal with math (unless aided with a calculator) for the rest of my life. If I have to, I'll go hire an accountant or some sort or secretary or something.
time stands still
i have many time stand still moments. some people say it's a "shiok sendiri" moment, but i think they should just go and die, because i think time stand still moments are moments of realisation, moments whereby you suddenly "get it" or get amazed with what is portrayed in front of you, moments whereby things that were so complex before just untangle themselves in an instant and present their most logical concepts to you.it's like looking into the eyes of the person you love and just get lost in the blue of their pupils or soaking up every word that's unspoken in between the two of you. a moment of bliss, a moment of connection. you get so drunk by the moment, so consumed by what you are seeing, what you just realised that the world passes by, time ticks away but you're still in that timeframe, you don't want to get out of it.i want my wedding photo to be of me and my husband just holding each other's arms and the traffic driving behind us.it may sound so cliche, but i'd like it to be in sephia tone with a white border and in a black plastic frame. matt finish, no glossy photo please, thank you.(maybe it's because it's the middle of the night and i have run out of things to do on the virtual world and cannot seem to get to sleep that i am writing about a subject that is of mass unconcern to every other human being on earth. but then again, it kept me occupied for ten minutes. now, off to figure out another thing to do. i wish to find another insomniac like me.)
i miss back4
so i went out with shan yesterday. initially, junhui was supposed to come but he had to celebrate rongde's birthday, so it's just me and the bff. had lunch at puncak, then headed to lido to catch Fragile (i cannot believe i managed to drag shan to watch a horror flick), after that walked around wheelock place before heading to topshop to check out the sunglasses that she loved so much (and ended up not buying) and then going to hereen to see what we can purchase with her 10 dollars hereen voucher and ended up purchasing a pair of shades there instead (and i convinced her to get the 4 dollars hard casing to protect her shades). oh, before that, had durian gelato.(!!!, wtf. gelato is like italian ice-cream. gelato with a local twist! haha) we intended to walk to ps and have some exercise but since the sky didn't look too friendly we hopped on a bus and headed to ps to walk around (and i didn't know what happened to my intention of browsing at DP) and then we had dinner at the food court. ok you food lovers, the grilled fish there is absolute love! and it's cheap too! ($4.80 for a set of nasi lemak rice, an omelette, your grilled fish and soup) so after dinner, we went to spotlight to look for stuff but since spotlight is so overpriced like fuck, we went over to brasbasah to get her Mod Podge and ZIG pens and then walked over to esplanade and went to Popcorn and she got her friends postcards (the last set, lucky bitch) and then we took a long bus ride home talking about our old school times, poly and the future.i guess, the main thing that i am trying to say is that, i love shan and i enjoyed yesterday alot. yearps. :)so you guys want photos right?
Shan and Lamb. or is it the other way round?
Theatre Stairs.
a bad edit of boxes at Spotlight.
Bear in a (plastic) Bag.
Buttons.
Fabric paint.
i would love to post a picture of me and shan but then i look as if i am wearing a blanket instead of a tudung on my head (it looks extremely huge for some apparent reason) and the non-shaky photos both show the uglier side of us and the nice photos are the shaky ones (we took it on our bumpy ride home) so urm, maybe when i get my new laptop, i'll post it up.utterly broke, wanna donate?
hell yeah
"we live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. the matyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. embraces, the lovers desperately to fuse their insulated ecstacies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. by its very nature, every embodied spririt is doomed to suffer and enjoy solitude. sensations, feelings, insights, fancies - all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable."
-aldous huxley, the doors of perception.
one thing's sure
IN LIFE, THERE ARE NO CERTAINTIES, BUT OPPORTUNITIES.
oh, how true.
humpty, whatever you are
it's close to 2 am and i'm thinking about my Humpty Dumpty theory.ok, let us consider one thing: that Humpty Dumpty didn't exactly took the tumble but someone pushed him down, forced him to touch the ground, or just allowed gravity to take its toll and didn't bother to try to put him together again.if Humpty Dumpty is a relationship, then it'll make perfect sense why all of the king's horses and men couldn't put him together again. they didn't take all of their effort to put him together again, they don't bother, they didn't want to. that's why Humpty Dumpty remained shattered on the ground, that's why Humpty Dumpty is sitting on the wall, that's why he had that great fall. maybe because they wanted the easy way out, and say "hey, there's no way we can put Humpty together again, so let's just leave it." or they couldn't be bothered anymore, because Humpty is such a burden it sickens them.actually, my thinking too much sickens me.
