RANDOM-ISM.

hohum.

recieving results back is just nerve-wrecking. naah, don't think about it girl. you're just increasing the level of emotional and mental pressure. you don't need it now, cos you don't have food to comfort you. yes, yes, i know. but it's just irritating when you know your results and there's no point hoping anymore.


sometimes i wish i can open up, as in really really open up, to someone and not just talk to walls and stuffed toys and kissing razor blades and thank god for such inventions. i know there are people out there who are willing to provide a listening ear for me, but i guess they are just not the right people whom i can talk to although they claim to be able to relate to what i am going through. i guess i need someone who doesn't know what i am going through or someone who hasn't felt the way i am feeling so the person can just shut up and listen and at the end of it, we'll talk about something else, something to smile about.


the problem with people is that they just respond the wrong way. you tell them a problem and they say "yeah, i've felt that way before" or "i understand how you feel" but in reality, no one wants to hear that because no one wants another person to perfectly understand how they feel but really really just want a listening ear. you get annoyed when someone says they understand the way you are feeling because all you want to be is to be different. you have so much angst in you that you don't want other people to understand but you want people to listen to you, give you some of their attention because you feel that is exactly what you are lacking of.


i am rambling senselessly because i am really confused right now. i don't care if someone else feels the same way because even if there is not a single soul who feels the same, it all still feels very shitty for me. my future is really a blur, a mirage and i am just lost within this nothingness, trying so so so so so very hard to make out a perfect figure out of it but to no avail. it's like being out in the open sea, not waving but drowning oh so slowly into the depths of the water, never knowing when i am going to hit the base. maybe my shirt'll get tangled to a coral, or a shark eat me up along the way. uncertainty; it surrounds me.


i really wish i can glue myself to this seat and go on and on and on and never run out of things to say just to avoid the next lesson. but i guess, that'll be the same as chickening out and running away. i wish for some courage, i wish for some guidance. i hope i find them, but i don't know where to search. the heart is just this unbalanced vessel: filled with a kaleidoscope of emotions but almost void of strength. it's existance wavering somewhere in my chest, prisoned by the ribcages. sometimes it pumps oh so slowly and silently as if welcoming death, and sometimes so fast and energetic like a stallion in the wind.


i don't know what in the world i'm rambling about. honestly.

posted by Myz @ 12:14 PM