RANDOM-ISM.

so she decided to slip away.

DEATH is a mind fuck, is an emotional fuck, it's just fucked up. i don't understand why she has to take the wrong turn and decide to get burried early instead of picking up the bits and pieces of her life, which she has been doing for the past year, and repent for what she had done last year. really, it was as if whatever i have done for her, the times i have been there for her and the many nights i have stayed up to listen to her lament about *beep* meant nothing at all to her. all the things that her mom had done for her, the sacrifices, and the sweat she had to shed just so she could see a professional shrink to help her out with picking up her life meant nothing to her. i should have known, she just wanted to die.


and it's really confusing for me because this means, i really don't know her. i used to, but not anymore. what is she? who is she? sometimes i feel like a guardian angel to her, sometimes a mother to her: someone who has to set limits for her, and make her promise me that she won't do stupid things. but i guess, i don't know anything at all. i'm a bad example myself. i slash, and i expect her not to be suicidal? but she doesn't know that i did it. she hardly knew me, she hardly took notice of the things that I am going through. so why did she do it?


she is the close friend i had that no one knew. not a single person knew. and it's because she told me once she found a nice person in me, and if anyone knew we were friends, i'd just be more distant and her problems won't be secret. i don't get it. i just really don't get it.


[edit]

and i read blogs of my friends whose worries are of simple things, and i wonder why can i be that way? you may think i'm just another teenager who thinks the whole world is out to get me, but really, it's nothing like that. i don't feel as if my life is over, i just feel trapped in my own self, and people around me. i want to break free. you know, have simple simple things like a popsicle without feeling guilty, or lie down on the roof and watch the clouds go by and doodle in the sky. i want simple simple worries, like what clothes to wear, which guy to choose, is the zit on my nose too obvious? and i want to be like those girls who have friends so close that they become sisters, who have siblings so funky that there're no rivalries, have parents so supportive and open that there's no holding back. so many things i want, want and want, but nyeh, not a chance.


the world is so noisy, the house is so noisy. sometimes i want to live in isolation. run in the wild and pee by the tree, where my wired, fuzzy mind unfolds and i am unleashed from everything that is holding me back.


randomising isn't an easy thing to do. especially when i try so hard to put up a masquerade. i guess one day my mask will tear and someone will rip it off my face and i'd have to break away from the daily routine of putting on my face everyday and show the world who i really am instead. smiling uses up lesser muscles than frowning, they say. but what if i want to exercise my muscles?

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posted by Myz @ 7:42 PM