RANDOM-ISM.

Nyeheh, I am back!

2007-11-13T18:55:00.000+08:00

Masyitah is my *insert age* old cousin who is damn fat (ok, I am fat too, but she's too chubby as a kid!) and cute. So I was like..

"Masyitah kamu sih gendut sekali! Kalau kakak potong tangannya Masyi, terus dibuat sate, bisa ngga?"

(Translation: Masyitah, you're so chubby! May I cut ur arms and make satay out of it?)

And she replied.... "Bisa....." (Can.....)

Heh heh, cannibalism, here I come!

GOD?

2007-01-26T10:12:00.000+08:00

Dom: Is that the solar system?
Me: Yes..
Dom: You're making the universe..?
Me: Yep!
Dom: Are you God?
Me: Urm. No....
Dip: Imagine God at his computer, making the universe.
Dom and Me: Eh....? HAHAHA.
Dip: "OH NO! MY COMPUTER HAS NO MORE RAM IN IT!!!"
Me: WTF?! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

On Rain

2007-01-13T11:16:00.000+08:00

It's raining, it's pouring,
My old main is snoring.

Let's not wake him up.

Wah!

2006-12-15T23:32:00.000+08:00

Do you know that with night lighting, you should probably pose for a second or two longer and keep the camera still before dispersing and checking the image in the viewfinder? Because night lighting means that the camera lens has to be open a little while more for the light to be captured in the camera. So if you move, your picture is going to be blurry.

Do not tap your finger when trying to click the shutter. Instead put your finger on the shutter and press the shutter. Tapping your finger will cause the camera to shake, and thus your picture is going to be blurry.

On the other hand, my Penyamuns aren't as crazy for garlic bread as I am. Howell. I have a sister to be crazy with me.

BREASTS

2006-12-13T22:11:00.000+08:00

When you look down and cannot see your feet (well, maybe just the tip of your shoe), that means your breasts are big.

But hey, at least you've got huge tits to ****** ****. hahahahahahaha.

Garlic Bread

2006-12-10T22:16:00.000+08:00

How do you like your garlic bread? Do you like it soft, or do you like it crispy? Do you like it drenched with butter, or drenched with garlic? Do you like it on normal bread, on a sliced crossoint, or on a sliced baguette? Do you like eating it just like that, or do you tear it apart, or do you like it sliced for you? Do you stuff all of it into your mouth, or do you eat the garlic parts first, or do you eat the sides before finally stuffing the garlic parts in your mouth? Do you lick your fingers after the entire blissful ordeal, or do you wipe it on the side of your pants, or do you painstakingly take out a piece of tissue and wipe them?

Hey, wait. Do you even like garlic bread?

Dawg Phoo

2006-12-09T17:05:00.000+08:00

These days, there's this policy where all dog owners pick up their dog's poo and I think it's kind of disgusting and sad, because the master becomes the dog. I mean, everyone says that dogs are men's best friend but best friends don't pick up each other's shit right? So I am like thinking right, if all the owners just leave them to shit on the grass, and all the humans don't walk on the grass, then everyone is happy. Because numero uno, there's free fertilizer. Numero dos, we don't have to clean up the dog poo. And number tres, the plastic they use to clean up the poo, could have been of better use. You can like use that plastic to put in muffins or buns or egg tarts or garlic bread or something. Right?

Finally back.

2006-12-09T00:23:00.000+08:00

I just love being random. It's like sometimes someone just looks at me with that "ARH? WHAT IN THE BLOODY WORLD OF GANJA IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?" look and then I smile. Because I have no bloody idea either.

I love my LJ, yes I do. But sometimes I need to escape a little from that place.

So hello world. Random posts will begin.. well, soon.

she'll be coming round the mountains, when she comes

2006-04-20T18:12:00.000+08:00

I am off to school, and settling matters involving my heart. Find me at my livejournal, chat me up at MSN, whatever. I'll come back here when I come back here.

P.S.: I'll still reply messages on my tagboard.

i had to

2006-04-16T11:22:00.000+08:00

Now that it's time
Now that the hour hand has landed at the end
Now that it's real
Now that the dreams have given all they had to lend
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe try another time
And do I really have a hand in my forgetting?

Now that I've tried
Now that I've finally found that this is not the way,
Now that I turn
Now that I feel it's time to spend the night away
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe finally split the rhyme
And do I really understand the undernetting?

Yes and the morning has me
Looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs carefully.

Now that it's light
Now that the candle's falling smaller in my mind
Now that it's here
Now that I'm almost not so very far behind
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And maybe follow another sign
And do I really have a song that I can ride on?

Now that I can
Now that it's easy, ever easy all around.
Now that I'm here
Now that I'm falling to the sunlights and a song
I want to know do I stay or do I go
And do I have to do just one
And can I choose again if I should lose the reason?

Yes, and the morning
Has me looking in your eyes
And seeing mine warning me
To read the signs more carefully.

Now that I smile,
Now that I'm laughing even deeper inside.
Now that I see,
Now that I finally found the one thing I denied
It's now I know do I stay or do I go
And it is finally I decide
That I'll be leaving
In the fairest of the seasons.

-Nico, The Fairest of the Seasons

This is not going to concern most of you, but I'm going to write it anyway.

I'm sorry, but I had to do what I did last night. No doubt I do love you very much, no doubt about it at all, but I really feel that I should be taking a step back, look at the big picture, consider how everyone is feeling and do what I think is best: to learn how to let you go, to start letting you go, to move on and forget that I ever had feelings for you. I'm sorry, but I never really knew how you feel, you never revealed what's in the depths of your heart. Everytime she steps into the picture, my heart aches, and believe me, the heart has long been aching. I cannot carry that burden, and I cannot carry that guilt, that responsibility for your doubt of getting into a relationship because of me. I cannot stand to think that someone else's heart is aching because you don't want mine to do so.

That is why I am making this sacrifice, though I think the word "sacrifice" itself sounds too harsh in this matter. I just want you to be happy, I want her to be happy. And hey, we can still be friends and I'll be happy for you. Don't worry about me, I'll be alright, I'll learn to be alright, and I hope one day I'll find another person, someone as good as you, or even better, someone I can learn to love with all of my heart as I had for you. Smile for me, please. Please don't do anything stupid. I do love you, Sharul Azman. But I guess it's time that I let go, and if you are holding on too, and for you to let go too.

I'm so so so sorry.

"You are the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to. Goodbye to you."

no thanks to PMS

2006-04-14T16:29:00.000+08:00

I don't know what's wrong with me: I am so emotional today. I cried during Extreme Makeover Wedding Edition and during the tribute for Destiny's Child at the World Music Awards just now.

I guess I am PMS-ing.

And that conclusion is based on the bad case of cramps I have been trying to endure since 12.45pm just now. (time check: 4.30 pm)

Anyway, no reason to blog today, but just felt like it.

A man was plucking a living goose, when his victim addressed him thus: "Suppose you were a goose; do you think you would relish this sort of thing?"
"Well, suppose I were," answered the man; "do you think you would like to pluck me?"
"Indeed I would!" was the emphatic, natural, but injusicious reply.
"Just so," concluded the tormentor; "that's the way I feel about the matter."

-The Man and the Goose,Ambrose Bierce

20 things (I think) you don't know about me

2006-04-13T19:15:00.000+08:00

Since everyone is doing this (well, everyone meaning my sister and her friend Samantha) and I have so much free time (although I should really get my ass to go and pray right now), I'd think I'd feed you guys some things about me that you prolly didn't know (though I don't see why I should be revealing about myself here on the internet where even the people of Reykjavik or Sierra Leone, places of which I have never been to or know anyone from, can access) and will know once you have finished reading this post.

(Right now, I think I blab too much.)

20 things (I think) you don't know about me.

1) I have a smelly pillow. (why, alot of people have smelly pillows only that they don't admit it)

2) I treat my smelly pillow as if it's a real person.

3) I have a minor case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) that I have diagnosed because I don't like it when people mess with my things and leave them not like it was originally placed, but I don't mind if I mess with my things. Get it?

4) I used to want to be a pop star.

5) I love Barney although most people out there thinks he's one hell of a paedophile.

6) I am shy, despite people telling me that I have a strong exterior.

7) My tum is WHITE.

8) My periods are not regular and I seriously do not want to touch on this one.

9) I like doing the laundry.

10) I can cry on inpulse.

11) Since young, I always fantasized of being knocked down by a vehicle and it almost came true, thrice. I guess it's not my time yet.

12) I have never gotten my tooth plucked by a dentist and I wish one day that I'll get my tooth plucked by a dentist.

13) I want to be sedated.

14) Sometimes, I surf porn. Especially the anime ones.

15) I don't quite like Japanese Anime.

16) I talk to myself. (but everyone talks to themselves, it's called inner conscience)

17) I don't like it that I am Malay.

18) Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep because I am afraid that I'll wake up blind.

19) I want to die at 35, cos then I won't be too young or too old, and I guess by then my sins and my pahala will be balanced, somehow.

20) I don't quite know what's true about me other apart from the colour of my ear wax (honey yellow).

And since this post is totally on me, let's just post one humble photo of yours truely (the Superior being).

(wah, so dark and garang)

**Picture taken in my darling cousin Reen's humble abode, of which I miss so much (the cousin and the humble abode) and do hope that one day I can find time (and money) to go out with her because it has been so freaking long.

iPhoto, very irritating, thank you

2006-04-12T23:55:00.000+08:00

Ok, from my title, it's needless to say that I've got my 12" Apple Powerbook G4 today, and I am extremely happy that I managed to transfer 777 songs from the old Acer Travelmate to this baby within less than 2 hrs with the help of my humble 256MB Acer MP3 player.

BUT, yes, with the capital B-U-T, iPhoto is the most idiotic photo editting/uploading/whatever you call it software I have ever worked with because iPhoto, for one thing, unlike any other photo editing softwares I have worked with, doesn't even allow me to resize my photos! Oh, the horror!

Ok, so now I know where my Photoshop CD has gone missing (it was with Izyanti who passed to Zara who was supposed to pass it to me the next time she, Zara, sees me which is gonna be God-knows-when), I just gotta arrange a tete-a-tete with Zar so we can catch up on things, and I can get my Photoshop CD back.

Adobe, you rock balls and cotton.

I still love my lappy. I gotta get it a name.

AHMAGAH

2006-04-11T23:24:00.000+08:00

My aunt zizah celebrated her *beep*th birthday last Saturday, but my uncle was already excited 5 days (or so) prior to the celebration because he went to the confectionary and requested an LV-shaped birthday cake for his dear wife because she is a crazy fan of LV and yeah, an LV cake would be out of this world.

I want a *insertobjecthere*-shaped cake too. Only that I don't know what object/shape i want the cake to be.

It's so nice to have someone to love you and do nice nice things for you.

Uncle Bobby is one romantic, shopping-loving, hip and funkay with a good fashion sense, stuffed with lotsa love and sugar and spice and everything nice and outgoing uncle.

Thanks Shan for the A is for Atiq and the Shan Loves Atiq thing. I shall post photos of the Chinatown and the you and the myself and the your stuffs next time, like when I get my 12-inch Apple Powerbook G4(!!!) in less than 24 hours. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay, more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

*seriously overspending for the past few days. i need someone to make me stick with my budget.

sunday again

2006-04-09T14:19:00.000+08:00

2 more sundays before school starts. i am estatic.

the gig at esplanade's waterfront last night was fantastic. too bad nurul wasn't there, or else she'd have enjoyed it alot.

i'm really glad i made friends with farid and nurul. i mean, i am glad i have shan and jerald and reen and uncle bob to talk to, but i'm extra glad farid, nurul and myself got really close and stuff. well, especially nurul. ;)

i don't quite talk to my family, i guess. this family is a rather passive family. well, some people say we look really happy together but then again i just don't know. it confuses me, you know. i wished there are times that i just don't think about them at all in one day and just don't care, but that cannot be made possible, now can it?

some things just saddens me, and it saddens me even more because i try to do something about it but it's not working, and i feel so helpless and lost i wish i never really saw it happening at all.

(after this comes a whole load of junk which i wrote in white and put in "tiny" font size so highlight it if you haven't got anything productive to do and want to read it. it won't concern the anyone reading this blog anyway cos i am certain the person i intend this paragraph to doesn't even read this stupid page.)

and to YOU. i'm not sure if you are reading this or not, i mean since you have my link but you never leave a tag, and you're hardly online anymore. i am so confused of how you want me to feel, of how you are feeling and if everything you said even meant a thing. the thing is, i'm not yours and you are not mine, so i don't know if MY feeling jealous and all that can be justified cos i am so in love with you. sometimes you say things that make me feel so sad, but then again i can't be feeling sad because we are not together, your heart isn't really mine to keep and take care, and neither is mine. sometimes i wish you'd yell at me and say things that really really really really hurt me even more than right now and tell me to move on so i'll just move on even though i don't really want to. it's been 2 years, damn it. 2 years and i'm still holding on to something that i'm not even sure exists in the first place.

i found a new bulletin board for media lovers like me. :) check it out here: Youth Media Circle.

ron & hermione!

2006-04-08T13:09:00.000+08:00

Ron and Hermione and Yellowcard's Empty Apartment is equals to SUPER LOVE AND HAPPY HAPPY ME.

hardly had any sleep last night because of what happened so urm yeah, i'm gonna sleep during class later.

what is it that you want?

2006-04-07T22:03:00.000+08:00

WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP, BUTTERCUP BABY, JUST TO LET ME DOWN AND MESS ME AROUND?

i guess only nurul knows the situation i am in right now. i cannot be bothered sharing it with anyone else cos all it's gonna do is to make me swear even more.

i was getting used to hovering in the background, why in the bloody world of ganja must you take me into the limelight and leave me alone there to feel insecure?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY BLOODY WHY???

THE GAME OF LIFE!

2006-04-06T19:32:00.000+08:00

Some people say that LIFE is a game: some win, some lose; there's the starting point, the high point, and the point where it all gets boring towards the end; some like the game, where others just suck at it; some are righteous, while some are cheats; and no matter the amount of cheatsheet or help you get, in the end, you either get punished or you begin to drown yourself and you do not feel the satisfaction when you win. But comes to think about it, games are supposed to be fun, keeps you away from all that stress; they are supposed to me an activity of which you enjoy, of which you voluntarily (or maybe sometimes involuntarily) chose to take part in.

Well, just now, I chose to take part in a game called.. THE GAME OF LIFE!! And sadly, I lost to this girl called NURUL SU'AIDAH (who kept on landing on the "Trade Salary Card with Any Other Player" parts and got my 90,000 dollars salary and I had to go through the game with HER 20,000 dollars salary) by 90,000 dollars because she was cruel and traded her salary card with mine. The game's like Monopoly, only this is better. You don't go round in endless circles (or squares) and don't end up in prison. And you don't have to pass "Go" to get $200. You can like pass your "Pay Day" and get your pay.

If I am ever to teach, I shall not teach primary school maths, not because I suck at math, but because they ask students questions like this:

A mechanical pencil costs $8. A pen costs 25% more than a mechanical pencil. Jason spent $210 on some mechanical pencils and pens. If 80% of what he bought were mechanical pencils, how many more mechanical pencils did he buy than pens?

The ratio of the number of apples and pears in a fruitstall is 5:8. If 60% of the pears are sold, what percentage of apples must be sold in order for the number of apples and pears to be equal?

LIKE WHAT IN THE BLOODY WORLD OF GANJA ARE THEY TRYING TO DO TO KIDS THESE DAYS?? I pity my sister, alot.

Thank goodness I won't have to deal with math (unless aided with a calculator) for the rest of my life. If I have to, I'll go hire an accountant or some sort or secretary or something.

time stands still

2006-04-06T01:13:00.000+08:00

i have many time stand still moments. some people say it's a "shiok sendiri" moment, but i think they should just go and die, because i think time stand still moments are moments of realisation, moments whereby you suddenly "get it" or get amazed with what is portrayed in front of you, moments whereby things that were so complex before just untangle themselves in an instant and present their most logical concepts to you.

it's like looking into the eyes of the person you love and just get lost in the blue of their pupils or soaking up every word that's unspoken in between the two of you. a moment of bliss, a moment of connection. you get so drunk by the moment, so consumed by what you are seeing, what you just realised that the world passes by, time ticks away but you're still in that timeframe, you don't want to get out of it.

i want my wedding photo to be of me and my husband just holding each other's arms and the traffic driving behind us.

it may sound so cliche, but i'd like it to be in sephia tone with a white border and in a black plastic frame. matt finish, no glossy photo please, thank you.

(maybe it's because it's the middle of the night and i have run out of things to do on the virtual world and cannot seem to get to sleep that i am writing about a subject that is of mass unconcern to every other human being on earth. but then again, it kept me occupied for ten minutes. now, off to figure out another thing to do. i wish to find another insomniac like me.)

i miss back4

2006-04-04T12:39:00.000+08:00

so i went out with shan yesterday. initially, junhui was supposed to come but he had to celebrate rongde's birthday, so it's just me and the bff. had lunch at puncak, then headed to lido to catch Fragile (i cannot believe i managed to drag shan to watch a horror flick), after that walked around wheelock place before heading to topshop to check out the sunglasses that she loved so much (and ended up not buying) and then going to hereen to see what we can purchase with her 10 dollars hereen voucher and ended up purchasing a pair of shades there instead (and i convinced her to get the 4 dollars hard casing to protect her shades). oh, before that, had durian gelato.(!!!, wtf. gelato is like italian ice-cream. gelato with a local twist! haha) we intended to walk to ps and have some exercise but since the sky didn't look too friendly we hopped on a bus and headed to ps to walk around (and i didn't know what happened to my intention of browsing at DP) and then we had dinner at the food court. ok you food lovers, the grilled fish there is absolute love! and it's cheap too! ($4.80 for a set of nasi lemak rice, an omelette, your grilled fish and soup) so after dinner, we went to spotlight to look for stuff but since spotlight is so overpriced like fuck, we went over to brasbasah to get her Mod Podge and ZIG pens and then walked over to esplanade and went to Popcorn and she got her friends postcards (the last set, lucky bitch) and then we took a long bus ride home talking about our old school times, poly and the future.

i guess, the main thing that i am trying to say is that, i love shan and i enjoyed yesterday alot. yearps. :)

so you guys want photos right?

Shan and Lamb. or is it the other way round?

Theatre Stairs.

a bad edit of boxes at Spotlight.

Bear in a (plastic) Bag.

Buttons.

Fabric paint.

i would love to post a picture of me and shan but then i look as if i am wearing a blanket instead of a tudung on my head (it looks extremely huge for some apparent reason) and the non-shaky photos both show the uglier side of us and the nice photos are the shaky ones (we took it on our bumpy ride home) so urm, maybe when i get my new laptop, i'll post it up.

utterly broke, wanna donate?

hell yeah

2006-04-02T16:04:00.000+08:00

"we live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. the matyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. embraces, the lovers desperately to fuse their insulated ecstacies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. by its very nature, every embodied spririt is doomed to suffer and enjoy solitude. sensations, feelings, insights, fancies - all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable."

-aldous huxley, the doors of perception.

one thing's sure

2006-04-02T15:17:00.000+08:00

IN LIFE, THERE ARE NO CERTAINTIES, BUT OPPORTUNITIES.

oh, how true.

humpty, whatever you are

2006-04-01T01:48:00.000+08:00

it's close to 2 am and i'm thinking about my Humpty Dumpty theory.

ok, let us consider one thing: that Humpty Dumpty didn't exactly took the tumble but someone pushed him down, forced him to touch the ground, or just allowed gravity to take its toll and didn't bother to try to put him together again.

if Humpty Dumpty is a relationship, then it'll make perfect sense why all of the king's horses and men couldn't put him together again. they didn't take all of their effort to put him together again, they don't bother, they didn't want to. that's why Humpty Dumpty remained shattered on the ground, that's why Humpty Dumpty is sitting on the wall, that's why he had that great fall. maybe because they wanted the easy way out, and say "hey, there's no way we can put Humpty together again, so let's just leave it." or they couldn't be bothered anymore, because Humpty is such a burden it sickens them.

actually, my thinking too much sickens me.

Humpty is Dumb.

2006-03-31T11:07:00.000+08:00

humpty dumpty sat on the wall;

humpty dumpty had a great fall;

and all of the king's horses and all of the king's men,

couldn't put humpty together again.

i used to hate this nursery rhyme when i was younger. it made me dream of evil queens and black crows, of couldrons filled with translucent greenish liquid with effervescence emerging at the top, and i'll be trapped in a cage right on top of it, curled at a corner, like hansel and gratel and the wicked witch.

such a pessimistic nursery rhyme, don't you think?

why in the world would anyone teach a child that things cannot be fixed, maybe literally yes, but then when you think about it in real life, not all things are like that, not all problems are like that and not all feelings are like that. Humpty Dumpty is whatever you want it to be. it can be your relationship, your laptop, your emotions, your family, whatever. the point is, it is YOURS, your item, something that you own that you have to take care of, so why in the world let it sit on a wall and have a great fall? you are bestowed to Humpty Dumpty so you jolly well take good care of it, and make sure it doesn't fall.

so Humpty Dumpty falls, and then you try to mend it. some things can be mended, others are way beyond fixation. wouldn't it be easier if it had never sat on the wall, take that tumble and break in the first place?

and then, we'll talk about life's uncertainties again. (it's all like webbed together, what a vicous cure to the itch)

of sequins and dragonflies.

2006-03-30T14:54:00.000+08:00

DRAGON-FLIES. DRA-GON FLIES. the name, on its own, gives off no clue that such a creature is one so lovely, one that is like a bat with butterfly wings, oh what marvelous things. in contrary, one that has never seen a dragonfly, know how it looks like, what its character is like, will think that it's a hideous creature: one to blow balls of fire at you like a dragon and as irritating as a fly. but no, it's not like that at all. it only stings when it's disturbed, other than that it flies around the open field and ponds like a rabbit prancing around vast greenery.

what's there to a name? a rose with any other name will smell just as sweet. so what's there to a name really?

some say identity, i don't think so. i believe that we all put on different masks when we go out, only with our closest friends and family do we reveal ourselves and even then we don't show all of us. we create a pseudo-identity to gain recognition, because we are afraid of rejection if we show who we really are.

if only the world isn't so materialistic and superficial, if only help wasn't so superficial. if only love is as pure and genuine like fairy tales, if only hatred can vanquish itself from each and everyone's hearts and minds. if jealously had never been a feeling but a vase of which we can throw onto the ground and let it shatter, not possible to put it back together, then would we take off our masks? will we stop our stage?

and then suddenly i get it. we put on masks so that our ideas get accepted, because beneath these masks there are ideas, some so revolutionary, some are just mere crap. and when we pretend to be who are not, people may just accept the ideas as it is, no form of anylising the mastermind, no racial or religious biasness, no, nothing of that sort.

(i'm just writing because i got nothing better to do)

pour your sugar on me!

2006-03-27T12:44:00.000+08:00

random comment: Strawberry Shortcake's version of Sugar, Sugar is so much better than Abba's.

i wonder how much longer i can blog everyday (with a substantial issue or with pictures) until i get sick of it all and start posting bad song lyrics and critic them as if they're a PC assignment or something.

well, i got bored during religious class the other day and drew a cartoon. (and these 2 pictures will sum up today's blog post) so here are the pictures. i added Randomismonity At Blogspot because i don't want people to steal these pictures. (cos now i see the point of why people will want to steal, unlike my other photos)

The School Girl Spite by atiQ.

the one on my msn display pic.

yeay, i got chalet tomorrow!

just how long?

2006-03-26T19:28:00.000+08:00

time. sometimes we have too much in our hands, sometimes it just slips away without us realising it.

time. how it seemed long while we were in our mothers' womb, how it seemed short that our lives turn out to be.

funny, isn't it? it isn't something we can hold, but something we can manage, something we can organise, something we can plan, something we can use at our own benefit. something that some has so much of, others just lack of it.

something not so absolute, like the sun, but everyone knows it's there. there is. time. it's like love.

just how long are we destined to live? is our time running out?

when they day draws nearer, do we know?

and just how much longer must i wait?

for death, for love, for you.

plenty of paper

2006-03-25T12:24:00.000+08:00

i had a dream last night that mom brought us for a month's long of travelling and we come back home to a newly decorated apartment. i like. hehe.

anyway, with everyone blogging, it just made me realise the amount of paper and trees that we save. so why is it drawing paper seem to be more expensive these days?

paper worries aside, i got photos.

CHINYANG'S BIRTHDAY.

Birthday Boy so happy ah. (the rare moments we can get his photo)

ultra yummy Black Forrest Cake.

Chin Yang.

you cut the cake..

and throw them candles.

GRANNA'S PLACE.

i decorated the noodles.

i folded the roti kirai!

i stole the epok-epok inti.

while making the epok-epok of course.

ultimate chef of a lifetime!

me and my sister got bored after all that cooking.

see, my sister is spastic.

now i am spastic.

while this looks better photoshopped,

this looks better on paper.

ok, i am off to go spend my saturday wisely with people i love. :)

i am a sotong

2006-03-23T15:20:00.000+08:00

this is uberly random, but i realise i am more to a sotong person, than a prawn person.

i like butter sotong, baby sotong, sotong in kicap, sotong in sambal, sotong in cheese, sean's marinated sotong during our BBQs, sweet and sour sotong, sotong in garlic, grilled sotong, bbq-ed sotong (which is more or less the same as grilled sotong, but grill is grill, bbq is bbq. bbq is more charcoal than meat, grill is more meat than charcoal. get it?), sotong in my tom yam soup, sotong with sambal belachan.. any type of sotong!

but as for prawns.. i only like prawn coated with batter.

and maybe sambal prawn. but i guess that's about it.

sotong is sedap stuff.

i wonder if there is such things as sotong quiche. then it's almost a dream come true.

heh, i'm all about random. i'm gonna go pay school fees now.

there's a lot of love

2006-03-22T15:19:00.000+08:00

yesterday, i was really depressed. i was still thinking about the fight with the brother and stuff, but then i realised that instead of being upset because of one person, i should be glad that i have other family and friends who care for me, who bother making the effort to make me smile.

i was talking to airell last night about being afraid not being able to make friends in poly later on, and then we were like "well, if we don't make friends, we are in the same FMS (film and media school), so do what you gotta do." and "but you wouldn't know if we drift apart."

friendship is a wonderful gift, so so wonderful, it's priceless. i do admit some friendships are very superficial, some very genuine, some last for very long, and some for just a moment. we may drift apart, we may be friends for a very long time, but our busy lives makes it inevitable that we sometimes forget our friends even though we try not to. whatever it is, i shall always remind myself how great it was while it lasted.

i remember my friends, yes i do. from the girl called shafiqah in kindergarten, joyce yip in primary 1 and 2, the malay girls from primary 4 onwards, valerie, ranitha and eliza in secondary 1, margareth, fatein and siti in secondary 2, shan from sec 3 till present, sowmya, selene, back four, measels fam from sec 4, nurul and farid since i changed my religious class from en-naeem to al-istiqamah, zara ever since i joined FSV, and FSV ever since i joined FSV, ele, sol and marie ever since we got together for PW, glen and jiaxiang, charissa, amanda and josephine..

and the list goes on.

certain friends take part in major events in our lives, certain friends were there for the minial things that happened. and now comes to think about it, there is a lot of love in the world, but the bad things that happened just overshadow the lovely things that were made for us to see. i guess, emotions really do come in pairs. without hurt, without pain, there is no love or compassion.

and family, though it sometimes become the reason for us to be held back from our dreams, are the very people who'd be there for us, no matter what. i am sure. and i love them so, no matter how hurt i may be, how lonely i sometimes feel, i do love them. i know that i can rely on them, that i can say anything i want to them, talk about crazy things and substantial issues with them, and they shall never turn their backs on me. i'm glad i have family like my mom and my dad and my sis and my cousin reen and uncle bob to talk to. even though i sometimes find it difficult to say how i really feel to some of them, i know i can talk to someone else and we'll find a solution. gosh, i know how it all sounds really mushy, but i really really really love my entire family (immediate and extended). and yes, my brother is included.

i guess, i am human after all. not so eccentric when it comes to feelings, aye?

here's the part where i smile by myself and realise how silly teenage angst is.

my heart is caught in a landslide

2006-03-21T12:14:00.000+08:00

every last strand of hope for him to surface has completely diminished into the thin air last night when we fought about something so stupid and he has to be a jerk about it. i was going to say sorry but then things that he brought up which isn't related to the actual reason why we fought overshadowed my good intentions.

for years i have hoped for an elder brother, for years i created this imaginary elder brother figure and talked to him, and for years i have hoped that certain qualities i made up in that imaginary one will show up in my real elder brother, but then i guess none of it will. nope, not a single one. nada, zilch, kosong, zero. now i know how he feels about me: he feels ashamed i am his sister, and that makes it really clear: he shall never acknowledge me as such at his own free will. and i guess, i will do the same.

every elder that i respect has well earned it and deserve it. he has never done anything to earn to it, what more deserve it, and here he is thinking that just because he is older, i must respect him. there are many friends out there who are older than me that i do not respect, be it they are officially my elder or not, and those friends are those who are closer to me and knows me, not like him: he who doesn't know a single thing and judged me as if he knows every single thing about me like God does.

and here i am, heart etched. every dream since a little girl to have a brother, to have someone to talk to have died all together.

i guess life is just unfair. i shower my sisters with love and care, and i do not get the respect that i have worked hard for. i shower my sisters with love and care, and here i am standing on my own, no love and care from an elder sibling. it's not as if i'm loving and caring for my sisters because i want something in return, but once in a while being given the attention will be nice.

sometimes i wonder why is it the other elder brother had to die, why can't i be the one that God takes away from my family? another boy in the family, and one girl less, will make this family rather balanced and maybe that other child would have knock some senses or feelings to members of this family, unlike me: too afraid and insecure to tell them how i really feel.

i wish i wasn't so sensitive to everything people say to me. i wish my heart was made of stone. i wish that this mind of mine doesn't think too much like it does right now. i wish i can turn back time. i wish i never knew how he felt, and live in ignorance rather than knowing the truth and avoiding him my entire life. i wish i can choose my family.

"in our family portrait we looked pretty happy, let's play pretend, let's go back to that."

we took the tumble

2006-03-20T19:30:00.000+08:00

i just learnt from victor that no one got the platinum award for SVA's drama category, and CJC FSV just got a participation thing. well, at least we learnt a lot from SVA and got really close together and stuff. the experience was amazing, even though during the first half i was busy mugging and taking my supp papers (of which i failed, nyeh).

here i am, i'm going to talk about the future again. destiny is a tricky thing: it's mysterious ways that lead to wonderful feelings creep me. no, this is not just about love, but our paths in lives. whether we make it big, or not so big; whether we take a stroll or take a tumble before we get what we want, or deserve to get. but one thing is for sure: life is no storybook. get all the great writers in the world together and let them brainstorm to write the most wonderful story earth's lifespan has ever gotten, but they cannot write the story of one single person until he has died. our lives are written in the hands of God, and none of us have will ever have the chance to read what's in store for us. and no matter how hard we try to achieve what we want, it's all already written whether we get it or not.

and therefore it is sad that some people actually uses this excuse whenever they fail: that life has already been determined, maybe they took the wrong path. i do not believe that we just sit around and wait for a sign from the higher power, but i do believe that if we work hard for what we want and follow our religious practices, we will get what we want, and what God has already planned for us. for everything that happens, there is a reason. karma and destiny- are they really interrelated?

life's like a head covered with tangles in the hair. the different strands intersecting at random corners, but then connected to a single head. some strands very close together, some strands so far away. but we are all connected to a single head in the end. some of the strands fall, and new ones will grow. we all intersect with different people in our lives, some we get really close to, some that we are very distant. someone dies, and someone else opens his eyes to the sunrise. but we all live on the same ground, on earth, and we shall all meet one day, on the other side.

aaanyway, do support this other site of mine: CDs FOR SALE. (help the unemployed).

pictures, they talk.

2006-03-19T17:39:00.000+08:00

i like blogs with loads of photos and stuffs.

my entire week has been packed, ever since last sunday of which i met up with reen before she went to work and i went to FSV's bbq at zar's condo. then the very next day, family chalet up till tuesday night at changi. so, that's like 3 bbq nights in a row. and then the very next day, the family (minus the brother) and my aunt, uncle, one cousin and my grandmother (dad's side) drove up to Bukit Tinggi, Genting (an uncalled trip of which mira got her chickenpox) and KL. so yeah, let's just look at pictures since i have nothing to talk about anyway. (i am dying to talk about a certain irritant throughout the holiday (except KL trip) but i shall just forget about it for now.

THE COUSIN AND ME; FSV BBQ.

cliche-d mrt station reflection things.

again.

urm, starting the fire-- successful?

SOTONGs.

steffi's other alternative to bbq.

a whole load of junk.

YUMM.

corn and sweet potato which i never tasted. (cos i didn't want to)

I LIKE!

the bubble balloon thing that i used to love so much.

MANFRED!

FAMILY CHALET.

breakfast. (its the new day already. i came late on the first day. so yeah)

they took shifts playing and sleeping.

mir in uncle dan's merc.

it looked as if we were bbq-ing in the mountains.

rubbish photo.

view from my room.

freaking stuck to this girl for the rest of my life.

uber cute, hyperactive, handsome lil kid called ihsan.

camwhoring starts here.

see, ppl love me.

i told you.

ok, i like to pass on some of my good lovin'.

by the way, that's my cousin ama.

tribute to the twits.

uncle man's gf, irene.

GRANNA!

supreme

being

for my fans! (wahaha)

i got bored so i took my ass off the bed and went to take some photos on the way to the beach. (i like this one best!)

makngah, angah and ihsan.

kids.

musi no.1.

musi no.2.

musi no.3. (feat bb)

abdullah, the samseng cengeng.

TEH KLONES KLAN.

a box of sand.

half of the league.

he likes to urm, perasan.

si samseng cengeng da start sekolah tau!

HOLIDAY!!

THIS IS THE REASON WHY I HATE BOWLING. (at least i am not the last, hehe)

everybody, meet my sister who got chicken pox on our holiday. she has a lot of nicknames but nurul calls her 1990. nyeheheh.

ok, i am like so sick of posting photos already and creating captions. the reason why the holiday trip has so little photos here is because i cannot be bothered to upload to photobucket anymore and i am so sick of the infrastructure so if you want to look at it so much, go and research Bukit Tinggi, Genting Highlands and Kuala Lumpur. the internet will be of better use than just to hang around my blog. hehehehe. there's something to do!

ok, off to watch sepet now.

drain, slowly.

2006-03-13T02:37:00.000+08:00

friends.

i hate my insecurity. spending my day with people i do not want to lose relations with, then viewing blogs of people whom i am losing relations with just makes me feel so sad. they were just like the company i have by my side now: we were close, we hoped today will last forever, and we all never thought of drifting apart. and now, the inevitable happens again: we all drift apart again.

i look at their pictures, i read their blogs, i shed a tear cos i miss them alot, i wondered what happened to our friendship, i wonder if i am completely erased from their lives. and i shed a tear because i don't want the same thing to happen to my friends now. i really hope that this time, it'll last longer, if not long.

sometimes i just hate myself for thinking too much, for evaluating the situation to such a high degree. sometimes i hate it that i think i'm a very complex person, that everything is against me, that what people see is my strength that i feel is my weakness. i hate it how i try to understand myself, and everytime i come to a conclusion, i just get confused again.

i hate it how i hate myself.

i hate it how people drift.

i never want to grow up, cos make believe is much too fun.

i fucking love him

2006-03-12T01:13:00.000+08:00

UGH BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW JUST HOW MUCH MY HEART ACHES FOR HIM. gah. it doesn't matter if he does anyway.

went to rockafella's with my Chop. so yeah, like what she did on HER blog, i'll just show you pictures. actually, the pictures don't say much, so urm yeah.

ROCKAFELLA SKANK 2.

ok, cliche-ish moment in rool's elevator.

zar and me! at bk. for urm dinner.

CHIP feeling sendiri.

zara the zero.

Penyamun dgn Chip cute dia.

cute kan CHIP dia. ah, korang tak faham melayu korang nye pasal lah. (i can speak malay now!)

zara the hero.

so we finally reached CJ. nyeh. the stage before the concert.

MANFRED the pro yo magician computer usb mug warmerer.

mr lee on his life right now: "like what you find in the toilet."

vegan, nuff said.

me and yasmin. she's like HAWT stuff.

MIXER! (this is like after the concert, chilling in the sound room and stuffs)

things that control the monitor speakers and stuffs.

aiyah, i don't know this people la. but the girl on the left is FUGGING CUTE.

CHENG HONG!

darling victor. nyeh heh heh.

SEANNY HUNNY!

ME AND ZAR, again. :)

yeah, just gotta take a photo in the sound room that i'll prolly never set foot into again.

so that's about it. the concert was... alright. nothing too special. france's band was HOT STUFF. the other bands were good too. the raving wasn't that much exciting and stuff, so urm yeah. should have sat with the vegan's class instead. they were in front and so ON and stuff. gah, whatever.

gonna bbq at zar's tmrw! :) meeting reen first to get uncle bob's EROS RAMZOTTI (sp?) 2000 album (the one with the guy on a sampan in front) or else he's gonna bug me on msn forever. lol. tomorrow's gonna be a good day, and next week's gonna be fun(chalet plus shopping spree holiday, what more can i ask for?)!

my sister's got an ipod nano now. so now she won't steal my empty CDs anymore. (she lost her other mp3 player, so yeah, she was using the discman for a month plus) freaking iTunes gonna take up space on lappy.

can't wait for my school term to start and have some kind of document showing dad that i NEED an iBook desperately. (wtf, iBook got iTunes! and i am planning to get a ZEN Neeon) my matriculation has not even arrived yet. it's supposed to come before the 15th of March. and it's like 12th of March already. airell says jason already has his, but airell hasn't got his either. so i guess we both just gotta wait. (which is hard cos both of us have been waiting for a very long time which is sickening cos we seem to be the only ones who can't wait for school to start)

i have temporarily lost my flair for writing. and the proof is: this blog post.

my roots

2006-03-10T11:39:00.000+08:00

sudev is a very nice person to talk to on msn because his conversations are both relatively intelligent and relatively stupid (as in bimbo, ah lian, traitor kind of stupid). and what really amazes me is his high interest in my roots and my religion: arabic and islam. i mean, most conversations i have with people are about everyday life, or boyfriends/girlfriends, or of music, or just to pass time or anger or joy, so it's kinda seldom i talk to people on msn with a substantial issue at hand, so sudev, thanks. :) (so now you see, you still make an impact on me you dodo-head! i am not a traitor! it just so happens that you don't have rockerfella's tickets and i do and i'm bringing someone else instead of you. heh heh.)

ok, so let's talk about my roots! hehehehe. i am excited. can you tell?

i am the product of the sperm of my dad, the egg of my mom and the blessing of my God. so dad's the product of the sperm of my granpa mohsen, the egg of my grandma salmah and the blessing of God and my mom's the product of the sperm of my granda mus, the egg of my granna jil and the blessing of God.

granpa mohsen is supposedly indonesian. we got the jawa blood. but somewhere up there, it has been said that one of our ancestors actually married a deutch (sp?) person so we got deutch blood too. (so maybe we were like ambonese before until one of the ladies married a jawa person and then the generation evolves as such that our jawa blood is more prominent than the ambon or something) granma salmah is.... i don't know. but i do know that she has got arab blood somewhere out there. so my dad is like, arab-indo-deutch(?) and the only reason he is "malay" in his ic because well, they didn't want to complicate matters. and honestly, his elder sister is "javanese" in her ic. so, urm. yeah.

my granda came from malaysia. so he is malay. but it has been told to me that somewhere along the ancestrial line, he has got chinese blood. so he's a mutt (not MAT, but mutt as in DNA-ed together kinda thing). my granna is chinese. pure, no mix-blood chinese, but she was given away to a malay family when she was young so her chinese is just as bad as mine. so that makes mom like half chinese (definitely) and urm don't know how many percent malay.

and that makes me a... very rojak girl.

but it's all good, cos i can be racist to most races in this country except for maybe the indians, cos how can a person be racist to his/her own race, right? heh heh heh.

ok, now i beg the singapore government don't find this offensive.

now off i go to bake yummy chocolate cakes in the toilet and get ready to go to rool's and then rockafella's! :) dang, i'm going back to school.

oh, BOOM!

2006-03-07T19:08:00.000+08:00

was looking through some photo albums with dad and mira just now and i realise that pictures and videos are God-sent gifts to us: they help us capture the moments, put them in frames and store the memories, be it sweet or bitter.

then i guess, that's why i want to be a photographer/videographer so much: i want to be the one who is storing all these memories for people, those close to me, the public, the society. photographers are like historians, in a way. the difference is that historians look into the past and do all kind of things that i don't really know but photographers are the ones who captured the past and bring the proof of such events happening, or such people existing, to these bunch of people called historians.

then, i won't just be working for my generation, or for that moment in time, but then i'll help the future generation by providing them with these pictures, videos, frames of past times. i guess, in a way, i will be providing a time machine they can never enter and go back, but able to look at and scrutinize every single detail in that frame, in that photograph, in that second that i have stored for them.

the camera obscura is a remarkable invention, yes it is.

i think it becoming really obvious to me about how i feel. all the signs, all of my actions: looking at him from the corner of my eye, waiting for him to come online, never fail to listen and talk, whenever we communicate i never fail to smile, thinking about him most of the time..

oh no, i think i'm in love.

anway, i got 2 pictures! hahaha.

i got bored at home, so urm yeah.

AH NI KORANG KALAU JAHAT CHIP PIAT HIDUNG KORANG!

second after second

2006-03-06T01:34:00.000+08:00

LAYOUT CHANGE!

okay, i know it's rather typical to blog after changing your blogskin, but yeah. i wouldn't call this a layout change. but just a background change, and mending a little bit with the positionings of my blog item body and blablablas.

ya, so basically, that's all that.

what? you want more? i'll give you more.

i'm waiting. again. for the freaking enrollment package to arrive in the mail. ok, go.

you put all the smiles in the world here.

2006-03-04T12:46:00.000+08:00

Alhamdulillah.

i managed to get accepted into FSV at NP. was jumping around my room with excitement last night (or the wee hours of the morn. i checked my interview results at 0015hrs on 3rd of march. talk about kiasu, lol) until i finally got tired and settled into lala-land.

all these talks on love, all the heartbreaks and the newly built that surrounds me, i feel kinda lonely sometimes. i miss him, i miss you. i miss a lot of people. i guess nurul is right, when your heart breaks, it is rather difficult to believe that you are actually very in love and happy when you are with your next boyfriend or something. right now, i'm really happy i am single and stuff cos i get to go out with my friends anytime i want (except when the parents don't allow me to) and look at people and do things that i want to do, but then again, at times, i do feel empty: like i need someone special to hug me or run his hand down my (short/shoulder-length) hair or hold my hand and say "it's alright, we can do it". it all sounds very cliche-ish, teenage romance novel-ish, but it's true. i do miss that alot.

kin sms-ed me one day saying "don't overuse your heart trying to find someone whom you can love but open up your heart to someone who loves you", i guess he's trying to tell me to be more aware of the people around me who loves me, instead of trying to find the perfect boyfriend or partner or whatever because that person will very well one day come tumbling down the streets and into my life without me having to search far, or that person is already here. i don't know. cupid's a very tricky character i don't quite believe in, but i know that person is out there somewhere i won't put in all of my effort trying to look for him. maybe just a little, just a little.

farid said to me the other day,"if there is no hate, you can have all the love in the world." but i do not agree with him. i think feelings come in pairs. like how suffering induces compassion, sadness brings about meaning to happiness, anger creates a meaning to calm, and likewise how hatred brings about love. so i said that it is more difficult to love when you are hurt, but being hurt is inevitable. everyone is bound to get hurt one day, no matter how true your love is to you or how happy you are, you are bound to get hurt. it's the experience that makes us stronger, that makes us a better person: we look out of what that is going to hurt us, treasure whoever that loves us so we don't get hurt. it's because we know how it feels to be hurt, we want to avoid that feeling and thus, we sometimes become afraid to love again. it's not a sad reality, but it's just cowardly not to love just because we are afraid we'll get hurt. besides, a realtionship without a little pinch of salt, wouldn't be much of a relationship, now would it? even Disney fairytales have twists in them, not everything has a happy ending.

so, my dear friend (you know who you are), this is for you, i hope it helped a little bit. i'm not asking you to listen to me or anything but just see my point of view. you don't have to stress yourself about this, you don't have to be afraid because you know, when all else fails, you got me and we can go to maccafe and hangout drinking coffee and tea and looking at cute waiters all day. :)

three in a row.

2006-03-02T20:20:00.000+08:00

have been hanging out with people who are rather whacked (if not as whacked as me) and yeah, photos for my dear readers to feast on. (whoever you are) if you want to steal then steal lor, i don't care. i don't see why you must anyway.

TP students.

my Penyamun(1) and my Burung Hantu.

he couldn't find a better place to pee.

Penyamun(1) took this.

this too. (i'm hovering at the background, lol.)

and this. (she doesn't know she's in the picture, credits to whoever you are)

this one also. (he doesn't know either. and yeah, credits to you too)

and they (the guys) liked this shirt.

chilling at MacCafe, braiding Penyamun's hair. (ni lah kerja CHIP korang..)

all of us. :)

if the pictures are out of the margins i drew for my layout, i'm not going to be OCD and i'm gonna heck care about the margins so yeah.

i would really love to show all of you a lot of photos but then my laziness has taken over me and now i don't think i'll do such a thing. so urm, go find the others to get more pictures if you want. heh.

3 more hours to the ides of march. posting results. i really hope i get into FSV.

well, this is the part where you stop reading and pray hard for me.

songs and memories.

2006-03-01T11:07:00.000+08:00

Songs bring back memories.

everytime i listen to the all american rejects, memories of my time with CJC FSV comes tumbling back into my mind because i used the AAR's The Last Song for our first video ever. the one that we made at La Salle during our photography/videography course.

everytime i listen to Taking Back Sunday, Jolene, Brendan, Wendy and people of 1T10 05:01 pops into my head. because Brendan and Jolene are emo kids, and the rest, well, kinda fall into place.

everytime i listen to My Humps by Black Eyed Peas, 1T08 takes over all of my conciousness because we were all so crazy about mass hiphop dance, and Van loved that song, and the Gymnasts used it for their Cheerleading thang for National Day. (and also they were playing it during NDP rehearsals and preview shows)

everytime i listen to Hey Leonardo by Blesse Union of Souls, i'll be brought back to my Back4 days, those days where art lessons were the only thing that made me look forward to school, shan and i singing at the corner, ziqing: our human jukebox, jer and ray: the other half of back4, jason and tommy and bob: the english partner, the english partner's real partner, the imaginary friend, and the class hovering at the background, sometimes taking part in my life, sometimes not.

i listen to eisley, i think of reen.

i listen to mocca, i think of Lem and Chop.

i listen to saving jane, i think of my sister.

i listen to micheal buble and norah jones, i think of my dad.

i listen to sum41, i think of hard and my other sister.

i listen to hoobastank, i think of selene and sowmya. (and how we have yet to meet)

i listen to dygta/radja, i think of sharul and ryan.

i listen to silverchair, i think of ismail.

i listen to disney, i think of john.

it's like there's a song for everyone, and each and every one of them has a memory that has been etched in the back of my mind.

it's not disturbing, no not at all. it's kind of like a wonderful feeling. :)

+/-

2006-02-27T20:34:00.000+08:00

ALHAMDULILLAH.

my interview went smoothly. the guy who wished me good luck in the waiting room (lionel or leonard or something) was my interviewer and he was really friendly and stuff. all smiles there. i am afraid that my group-scenario thingy will affect my entire assessment. oh well, it's over, the butterflies in my tum have miraculously escaped and now all i have to do is wait for 3rd of march to arrive (omg omg omg Ides of March! beware! hahaha) so i can call the voice thingy thing thing and find out the results of my interview. -prays hard-

to the person who hacked into my sister's email account in attempt to spread that ridiculously vulgaric rumour of her: do what you want, but what goes around comes around. one day it will happen to you too. if you think that this is going to bring my sister down, i am sorry, if we find out who you are, she's is going to be a better person and she will know better than to befriend someone like you. we know her better, she knows herself better and we hope that the recipients of the email that you have passed around will know better than to believe such stupid statements that you made. for goodness sake, she's only twelve, she's still young and naive, her style of writing is not like that, and she is aware of her dignity, of what is right or wrong. i think you need guidance. such hatred should be channelled through other mediums such as music or art, but here you are spreading rumours like a very low IQ-ed person. but thanks for revealing your immaturity.

as much as i dislike my family at times, i hate people who diss my family or create rumours or put words in our mouth even more. seriously, that person better watch out when i find out who he/she is. no one messes with my family, and no one messes with me, especially after a smooth interview.

okay, i feel so much better now. poor kid. only 12 and so much drama already.

OMG! IT'S COMING!

2006-02-26T01:40:00.000+08:00

well, it's 1hr and 36 minutes into Sunday already. which means, tomorrow is monday. which means i have to get my ass up early and make my way to NP to the interview which now i am not sure to be described as the one that i have been anticipating since i withdrew from CJ or the one that i have been dreading since i got to know i got shortlisted for it.

well, to calm those nerves of mine, i'm done with my Statement of Intent and the people who have read it so far thought it was good, and all wished me the best of luck and all the best for my interview. i hope my (completed) portfolio is good enough to impress the interviewers even more and that i can clinch a place in that course. time to get to school doing something that i like already! heh.

anyway, something happened on my way home just now which had an impact on me: a Bangladeshi worker, seeing that i am in my tudung, bidded Assalamualaikum (Peace be upon you in Arab) to me with a smile and so i just smiled back and said Wa'alaikum Salam to him (peace be upon to you too in the same language). a stranger! one of a different race, different tongue and roots bothered to acknowledge a similarity between us (our religion) without a tinge of mockery in it. i mean, not that other people don't say hi to me or something, but it's usually people who know you who will even bother looking at you with a smile. and it's not as if people of my race don't give the salaam to me. it's like they'll add on after giving the salaam, which makes it really fake. kinda mocking in a way.

for example, the guy will go "Assalamualaikum.." and then you know that you gotta answer him, or else it'll be sinful, or simply rude. so when you are about to answer his salaam, he adds on "kalau tak jawab dosa, kalau jawab mentel.." (if you don't answer, it's sinful and if you do, then you are flirtatious). and then you don't know what to do so you just walk away and appear anti-social.

ah whatever, i just can't get to sleep.

about. urm. 36 more hours? i don't know. i failed math.

Please don't make me cry.

2006-02-23T23:50:00.000+08:00

FSV AT NP.

FILM, SOUND AND VIDEO AND NGEE ANN POLYTECHNIC.

i have an interview for that on monday at 1.00 pm. and i am really nervous. a gazillion butterflies are now fluttering in my tum that i can defy gravity. (ok, not really) i have yet to really sit down and write my statement of intent (3 more days to do that) and i am currently rushing to put my portfolio together. for now i only have a few of my best photos in my portfolio. my videos, yet to be burned into one whole cd, and i am sure that the quality would be bad. one montage that is impossible to get, certificates to be photocopied and no cca records. (because i do not really have one in secondary school, and i, well, quitted jc) so, yes, in conclusion, i am pretty screwed.

gosh, i hope i can get my portfolio done all nicely by sunday night. wake up early and get there in time on monday. smoothsail through my interview (and actually speak up) and get into the course. for goodness sake, i withdrew from CJC for this! which makes me even more nervous because if i do not get into this course, then my sole purpose of quitting jc won't be fulfilled although i may be able to get into another media/design course in another poly. (4/5th of the choices i made were for courses of such nature. the other two were tourism and resort management and early childhood education. wtf, i know.)

this is nerve wrecking.

absolutely nerve wrecking.

wreck wreck wreck.

asdfhouyqw3jkkgansdnknavnmsnkbnj;s;hrgqw08g[ij43o09AKJOJIFASJOIHG34QJHOI!!!!!!!

you do realise that i am updating just for the sake of updating, right?

absolutely nerve wrecking.

nervousness leads to writer's block.

fucking nerve wrecking.

take a step forward, and hop back 5 times.

2006-02-19T12:18:00.000+08:00

and it's sunday again. funny how i keep on looking forward for the week to be over, but then i realise i have nothing to be excited about on the following week: no school on monday, no date on tuesday, no CCA on wednesday, no lunch outing on thursday, no early day off school on friday. and then saturday comes and i go for my class, and maybe hang out with my Lem Chop after that and then it's sunday again.

but one thing is for sure, i cannot wait for this MONTH to be over. to get my postings, or be called up for the course interview or written test, and then get myself enrolled to a school and start fussing about clothes and shoes and bags. it's fun, to have something to do. i cannot wait for this MONTH to be over so my friends are done with their semestral exams and CTs and then we can all go out for photo outings, cyling outings and then BBQ and chalet like mad. and then lunch dates won't be such a hassle, no longer have to accommodate to things like homework or project datelines or what time school lets out.

sometimes when i think about things, i create goals that i never really bother jotting down, or be serious about things. it's like there's this force pulling me from the back of my shirt. the one that automatically brings you back to reality when you make a goal bigger than your capability. (but anything is possible, no?) maybe it's because i failed my parents once and then there's this stupid voice that says "eh, you already screwed up once, what makes you so sure you won't screw up again?" and i'll just stay at the crossroad and try not to make a move because i really don't know what to do, which path to take.

the future is really scarey. i don't know what it holds for me, if i am doing the right thing. i can only plan things as i want it to be, but then again i wouldn't know what's my fate like. the uncertainty scares me alot. what if i fail again, what if i won't like what i am doing, what if i shall never find another person to love and who loves me back, what if i don't like my boss, what if i die before i achieve anything? what if, what if, what if?

Kin told me that i think too much, that i really shouldn't think about the "what if-s" situation once too many times. i can't help it to think. i really can't. i'm the type who likes to sit down at a cafe to observe and to think. i'm not the type who'd go bungee jumping off a 70-storey building or something. (maybe absail down, but no bungee, no.) maybe thinking too much and having all these pessimistic thoughts overpowering the optimistic ones is the reason why everytime i try to take a step forward, i go back 5 steps.

i'm like a prisoner to my own thoughts. and that's a sad reality.

the part where i'm losing.

2006-02-16T12:15:00.000+08:00

one thing that really irritates me is rude awakening, and then being left alone at home. dad does it everytime. little does he know that i only fall asleep in the wee hours of the morn because i have been up all night reading novels over and over again and when he wakes me up by banging on the door so hard even though he knows i'm a very light sleeper, i'd get really agitated. easy on the door man, i wake up at the very feeling of a stray strand of hair flying on my leg.

and i really don't see the point of me waking up so early (10-11 am) because no one is at home for me to talk to anyway, and i can easily finish all the chores in half an hour so there's nothing left to do but go back to my room to read or go online and wait for people or play games or watch a dvd or something. i know there is no chance of making myself breakfast or lunch because there is nothing that's worth cooking here in this house, so might as well leave me be in my sleep and forget all about my hunger, my pathetic loneliness and whatever nots.

i hate it when i think too much, like the voices in my head won't go. it's like i'm talking to myself all the time. i mean, i talk to myself in my room, yes, but then when i am doing my chores or shitting or bathing, my muse will dutily appear to fuck around with my thoughts and i cannot seem to ever make it go away. i try, but then i'll listen to his substantial reasoning and then i'll agree with him and i'll just allow it to fuck me up inside further. and then i'm no longer waving in my thoughts, more like drowning.

i'm not the type of person who'd throw a tantrum, or show how i really feel. it's not of my nature to do that. i am the type who allows herself to keep everything inside because i think it's selfish to let other people know and allow the possibility whereby other parties may be hurt to come true. it's really frustrating, this overwhelming pandemonium of emotions that i have bestowed to my heart. it's hurting me, aching me, sometimes i cannot breathe. sometimes it aches so much harder than when i broke up with my boyfriend or when granpa died or something.

but then i'll think about how it saves other people from feeling the way i am, so i just let out a heavy sigh and go one listening to my muse, the one that doesn't shut up at all.

NEIGHBOURHOOD SOOPERHERO.

2006-02-15T00:41:00.000+08:00

hello ryan hadi! ni untuk awak! pasal awak la kawan kita yang hati paling susah kita nak handle pasal awak punyalah unpredictable, ni kita tulis untuk awak ok!

for all the times you were there for me, for all the times you took my crap, for all the advice and comforting words that i need at times, and for tolerating my popularity for a while (due to the AM blog feature, haha) and admitting jealousy, i must thank you my dear dear friend. even though you abit (actually alot) sensitive, kadang-kadang sakit hati orang to the max (you know everyone i know la, wtf) and went to create a clan when i was away only for 3 days and have more comments even though YOUR blog tak dapat feature, kita masih thank awak pasal awak takda, kita macam lost (not really) or gelisah gitu. don't know, i am loss for words cos you are simply one of the bestest friends i have crossed paths with in my life, ok? :)

anyway, awak the other half of mel.co, apa! (wah, mel.co now da ada divisions sendiri seh!)

jadi, kalau on sunday's post you didn't see your name, encik ryan hadi, KITA THANK YOU AND AM REALLY GLAD AWAK KITA NYE FRIEND, UNDERSTAND? -hugs and kisses and blowjobs-

"i love you, why won't you let me? 'cos it's my birthday yarr.."

to other readers: this is purposely written this way because i talk to him like this. well, not really but shut up la, this is for ryan. ;p you want me to feature you, drop me an email if you know my email. or else just tag me. haha.

we love shoes.

2006-02-13T00:22:00.000+08:00

i got so bored at home that i started styling my hair by combing it from the back to the front and then adding fake long sideburns and stuff. then i got bored again i shooked my head violently and everything (my hair) fell back to place. so i took my digital camera and started snapping pictures around the house and found myself standing in front of the pile of shoes we chuck behind the door and now i am actually amazed with the amount of footwear the family owns. so, SHOE DISPLAY! :D

the rack outside. the one in between the chairs.

the one next to the gate. outside the house too.

mom's slip-ons lying around.

track shoes and soccer boots at the lowest shelf.

the second shelf. some slippers and mir's heels and ballet pumps, black slippers.

my quater. 3 slippers and a leather sandal.

mom's heels and shoe. just some of the many others.

the cupboard.

behind the door!

okay, because i love myself. hahahahaahaha.

thank God i have a friend called farah whom i can just talk about anything with her! :D i forgot to mention her in the previous blog and dear farah was like reading and reading and couldn't find her name although i swear i rememberd typing her name but oh well, this is for her.

i think i need more shoes, though. baked beans is selling me her red JP sneakers, so yeah, another pair for me! okay, this entry sounds ridiculously bimbotic.

i love!

2006-02-12T16:05:00.000+08:00

although it was yesterday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, OUR LOVELY LEM FRIEND. :) may the problems that we spoke of last night be solved and everything shall be okay for you soon. here's to you and to many many many great outings together and a great friendship for as long as we can make it to be. i hope you enjoyed the mini-celebration with us last night, so yeah. :)

my oh my, how it just dawned on me that we are all grown up. and when it seems just like yesterday that we were doing all things juveniles were meant to do, tomorrow brings a brand new day where we all think too much, feel too much, talk too much, cry too much. isn't it amazing how we all outgrow things that we used to do? isn't it amazing how we push aside trivial but fun fun fun things like hanging out at the playground with lolipops and popsicles and now hang out at cafes with out lattes and our tea-cakes. meeting up with friend is not just about having fun now, but it's also to let out feelings that we have kept for so long inside, to have a shoulder to cry on, or a smile to pass on. happy days aren't just our birthdays but our anniversarries, our graduation, our first pay. magazines no longer contain comics of our favourite cartoons, but pictures of celebrities we are both fond and jealous of.

in life we change but we don't realise it cos it doesn't come in a bang. it comes in stages. like relationships, like education, like a part of a book. there's a beginning, some conflicts, the climax and then it ends. whatever the ending it may be, sometimes we know, sometimes we don't know. sometimes, we don't want to know. sometimes, we work hard so everything goes like we want it to be.

i pleed the fleeting moment to remain, but then the moment shall fade away. just like all of our memories. very very vivid and strong at some point in our life, but eventually it shall fade away. so right now, i am so happy i am blessed with friends like LEM and CHOP, and JER and AIRELL, and RYAN and DIL and RAHS. i really shouldn't bother about people who are there to bring me down. parasites, that's what they are.

WTF.

2006-02-09T23:09:00.000+08:00

I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY WHO SLEEPS IN THAT ROOM ACROSS MINE, THE ONE THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO CALL BROTHER.

i don't know whatever it is that he has against me but I AM SO SORRY I HAD TO INTRUDE YOUR LIFE BUT THAT WAS NOT OF MY DOING so fucking live with it that there ARE other people in your family other than yourself.

i really hate it when i swear on such a holy (or whatever) day (today is hari Asyurah. whatever it is. but it is a good day to pray.) but his actions are getting on my nerves.

i dare to announce that i shall feel no remorse on his deathday, if he dies before me. and i'll be so glad if i get out of his life before he is removed of his.

and if he is reading this, good now that you know.

she wants the limelight.

2006-02-08T14:04:00.000+08:00

i admit it: i do crave my parents' attention very badly. i am jealous of all of my siblings who got to be pampered by them longer than i have ever had, i am jealous of my siblings for being able to get their attention and talk to them so damn easily but i can't. i am jealous how much they make a fuss about their needs but seldom mine. and i am angry how my siblings take all these for granted.

i thought i'll be able to spend more time with them, now that i am school-less and job-less but i guess i'm wrong. as much as they try to spend time with family, work and other obligations always take them away from doing so. dad's working hours suck, mom's busy-ness suck, all those meetings that they have every other day suck. no matter how early i wake up so i can have breakfast with them, they won't be there. they'll be off somewhere. and i hate the phonecalls because when the person at the other line asks where they are, i don't know what to say because i really don't know anything.

it sucks to wake up to an empty house, to go out and leave and empty house and come back home to an empty house. it sucks to have an elder brother who you can't talk to because he's so busy with his own life. it sucks to have younger sisters you have to take special care of because you don't want them to go astray. it sucks to have to set a good example to them but you yourself don't have a good example to look up to. it sucks to be expected of so many things, and it sucks when i let them down. it sucks to care so much, but not get the same treatment. it sucks to try to respect others but then others just bring you down again and again.

everyone is busy with their own lives, their own stuff. i cannot expect anyone to spend all of their time with me, no i can't. i confine myself in my room because its better to be in a smaller enclosure alone instead of a big one. a bigger enclosure just rubs in the pain of being alone. it gets depressing just staring at the walls and ceiling and watch the fan spin round and round with all kinds of thoughts in my head, then wallowing in self-pity and then scold myself for doing such a thing and then read a novel and then go back to square one: i start staring at the walls and talk to myself again.

i can't possibly tell them how i feel because i don't think they should be burdened with such a trivial matter. my feelings don't matter, but theirs do. alot. alot. alot alot alot. i don't want them to think that i am ungrateful for bringing me up, or providing me shelter and clothes. it's not that. i just want their attention, but i guess i'm just too chicken to say anything. people say i am selfish to myself, but then isn't it better to be selfish to yourself rather than taking the risk of paining their hearts and tell them how i feel?

no, don't say anything. don't say a single thing.

update more. (#01)

2006-02-06T11:58:00.000+08:00

and so, i have ended the "when i'm bored" series at issue number 20. and with that, i shall start another ridiculous series of blogs called the "update more" series, inspired by the tag made by my good ol' pal, Sop. be sure to visit HIS blog, at mrsop.blogspot.

kicking off today's issue, i shall talk about one of my weaknesses: my SHYness. (of course, you cannot expect me to be talking about you because for one thing, YOU may refer to anyone who is living on this decaying matter called earth who has access to this virtual reality we call the internet. so the probability of me knowing you is very low, despite the fact that it's almost senseless that i am expecting people from all around the world to randomly stumble upon my blog and read it, and thereby increasing the number of UNKNOWN readers out there. and why, this is my blog, that is exactly why we are talking about MY weakness here, not yours. and you're reading it so just shut up and listen.)

i may appear to be loud or outgoing or friend or whatever, but that is because i am comfortable with the company i am with, or have loosened up and have gathered my confidence so i am able to just be myself when i am around that certain company, but really, behind this face is a really shy girl who is actually afraid of making acquintances with people she hardly knows or knows just by face and name. i don't know what is it that makes me so shy, or afraid, but i just am. you cannot really blame me for getting to know you online and take years to gather the courage to meet up because i am shy, and afraid.

heck, i cannot even talk to my personal doctor. MY PERSONAL DOCTOR. when i was admitted into the hospital and had to go for all those interviews and check ups with Dr Fabian, mom/dad/whoever would have to repeat what i have said because i was so shy i talked so softly. people would expect that after my inpatient experience, i would have already be alright with the nurses and the doctors attending to me, but NOOOOOOOOOO, i was still SHY. SHY SHY FUCKEN SHY.

i'm really trying to deal with this problem, but everytime i try, i chicken out at the last minute and i'll just go back to what i have been, i become shy again. maybe i feel inadequate, maybe i feel that friends come and go so why should i waste energy and make more friends, maybe it's because i feel that many people are superficial when it comes to making friends for the first time and such, i don't know. but i think i think too much, i feel the unneccessary and therefore, i feel like shit and i suck.

i'm still shy anyway.

when i'm bored. (#20)

2006-02-02T12:57:00.000+08:00

layout change: decided to use a very very very very old one instead of the ones that i have made especially for randomismonity.blogspot cos i just like the old one alot. and last time i checked i used this exact same layout for the last post for kimonsta.blogspot before i closed the blog, so cross your fingers i won't do the same for this one. (but i guess no one actually cares cos this blog is rather dead.)

i'm really glad that i didn't get promoted to J2. i read my friends' blogs on how they are struggling to keep awake, to keep sane, to pay attention in class and lectures and completing stuffs and understanding concepts, i don't think i would be doing well if i am in their shoes. so whoever is in J2 right now, good luck to you and i salute you. you're still alive after a month of J2 life. continue with the hard work, and work harder at the end of the year when the dreaded a's are drawing nearer.

i am sick of having a job for a short while only. now i am jobless again. and no school right now needs relief teachers. so basically, my everyday is a weekend: i sleep late (or not at all), wake up at noon, do some housework, idle on the internet, listening to music while reading another novel and then there are days when i find some company to go out with (this is usually once or twice a week. so for 5 days, i don't use the elevator at all) and waste my money. but i like going out, gives me something to worry about like what to wear, or how much i should limit my spendings to, or what time to go home (usually i don't care), or what to do, or where to go or whatever. at home, i just hate to think about the amount of laundry i must hang out to dry. i don't mind putting in the laundry in the machine, or bring in the clean and dried ones, but i really hate hanging out the laundry. mom says we'll be having a weekend maid soon (on weekdays, the maid goes to the uncle's family) but that won't change a thing cos there are still weekdays. blah.

my friends online think that its amusing how we send empty tupperware containers to granna's house everyday and they come back home filled. well, when both your parents are working and they don't bother to stock up the fridge (or give you money to stock up the fridge), desperate measures call and you must thank your granna for cooking for you and your family. not that i am complaining, granna cooks good good good food and perfect rice. :)

blogging has lost its sheen. its either that, or i have lost my purpose. heck, i don't even have a purpose. oh, blah.

when i'm bored. (#19)

2006-01-23T20:43:00.000+08:00

and yesterday night was really wonderful. :)

no, i didn't go out on the most romantic date i can ever dream of with my crush, neither did i won the lottery. yesterday, i went out with a friend i had never imagined myself getting close to when i first got to know her three years ago and had had the most wonderful, heart-to-heart, substantial-issued conversation ever.

i wouldn't blog down everything we had exchanged last night, but i would say that we both understand each other quite alot. i mean, i know i am quite sucky in the "letting out your feelings about stuff to your friends" department, but yesterday it just flowed out like water from an open tap, just flowing and flowing until time reminded us that we should get back home, back to the lives that we dread and hope that the phase will soon be over.

and it's quite enlightening to find another person who realises that holding on to your friends too closely is rather useless because we shall all come to that time where we drift apart. so last night may seem as if we are really close and stuff, but who knows tomorrow we might just drift further apart? but of course, all that pessimistic thought should be balanced with an optimistic one: there shall always be hope that we remain friends for quite some time. :)

so, SUAIDAH, thanks for your company yesterday. see ya on friday, dood.

when i'm bored. (#18)

2006-01-22T11:31:00.000+08:00

retail theraphy works! i tried it out yesterday. but then again, the cure for the itch was only temporary because now i am broke again. BUT! i am loving my new leather sandals and my new leather pouch. (sorry steffi, but they were really nice and leather ark was having a sale)

so many tops that i want from Dorothy Perkins! ohmigosh. i wish the money tree will somehow appear right before me and autumn strikes so all of its leaves will fall to the ground for me to gather and keep. i mean, school is going to start in april i suppose and i have yet not enough tops and bottoms (bottoms as in pants. i've a vast collection of skirts, thank you very much.) for me to wear to school and i absolutely don't want to be an obvious and sad-ass Outfit Repeater.

sitting at home and not doing anything productive but housework and writing fictional stories in anakmelayu has caused serious damage to my brain. right now, i feel that my posts on blogspot are so mundane i should just shut down this blog. then it'll be my third blog that i shut down because of the same reason (which i mostly cover with the 'moving on with a new life' reason). so, since i have been registered as a relief teacher (!!!!) at the Ministry of Education, i am going to call my alma mater tomorrow morning and enquire if they need a substitute. if they don't, then i'm going to call other schools even though kel says, from experience, that i shall be more lonely there but if it's for the sake of working my brains, going out of the house, escape household chores and earning some moolah, i shall do that. thanks joshua reseach for not calling me up for training for that interviewer job you promised me. i am earning 10 dollars a day for doing household chores instead of 13 dollars per interview.

i miss being sixteen. before all of these nonsensical things take place. i miss the year nina told me i was smiling so much more. i miss the year shan and i camwhored so much in class. i miss the year the entire backrow was an ally. i miss the year when everything felt so perfect at the moment even though there are troubles in our mind cos we know there are people to turn to. i miss the year of which i had something to work hard for and something to look forward too. i miss that year of which you had loved me and of which i had loved you too.

memories are such ironies. pfft.

when i'm bored. (#17)

2006-01-17T13:03:00.000+08:00

right now, i am this big green-eyed monster. (but i like green so its okay)

i am envious, very very envious of everyone who has something to do everyday and have a reason to look forward to the weekends. i am envious of those who have to go to school everyday and face the torment of having to pay attention in class, put up with teachers and friends and lectures and tutorials and homework. i am envious of those who have to go to work and be presented with a workload and have to put up with their collegues and employers. i am envious of those who have got job interviews, who have someone to expect to call on their phones. i am envious of movie stars and singers and celebrities who get to do their passion and paid for it, paid a huge amount for it. i am envious of result-waiters, at least they have got something to wait for!

and when the weekend comes, i am evious how people feel glad it's saturday and they haven't have to face the torment they face during the weekdays. i don't feel like that anymore because everyday is a freaking saturday to me!

okay go away.

when i'm bored. (#16)

2006-01-13T15:51:00.000+08:00

while waiting for my hair to dry and laziness to go away before i put on something proper to go out and waste more time.

10 random things about me
1) i shower once a day.
2) i scratch my ass till it bleeds.
3) i have a smelly pillow.
4) i threw a tantrum when my mom washed my smelly pillow.
5) i got back my smelly pillow smell in just 3 days. (due to point number 1)
6) i don't quite like my chicken rice with chilli. i prefer the black sauce thing.
7) i cannot live without oxygen.
8) i'm a light sleeper.
9) i'm nocturnal.
10) i like fried food.

9 ways to win my heart.
1) subscribe for me design magazines.
2) feed me with photography. loads of it. black and white, especially.
3) i love technology. give me loads of it, i'll love you. (so materialistic, i know)
4) don't stop me from slashing myself.
5) cook for me things with a lot of cheese.
6) hold my hand and sing with me like no one's listening.
7) buy me loads of white chocolate and eat with me. :)
8) let me love you in my very own way.
9) it's better to keep quiet instead of blurting out everything and remove my doubt.

8 things i carry/wear everyday
1) my cell.
2) bw p.e. shirt to sleep.
3) cj shorts to sleep.
4) red old-school adidas watch.
5) laptop on and off my bed.
6) lingerie.
7) moolah.
8) ez-link card.

7 things that annoy me
1) my mother's son picking up the phone while i'm on it.
2) people who don't flush the toilet after they shit.
3) geylang serai bazaar and most of the teenage population that comes along with it.
4) loud techno/hip-hop/rnb music.
5) little sisters who don't have the initiative to do things.
6) whenever my bed breaks.
7) wet/hot days with huge crowd.

6 places i have visted or intend to
1) ALMOST ALL OF MALAYSIA.
2) jakarta, bandung & bali, indonesia.
3) jeddah.
4) mecca.
5) new zeland.
6) germany.

5 things i want to do before i die
1) repent.
2) lose weight.
3) make love.
4) eat shit.
5) get a job.

4 things i am afraid of
1) creepy crawlers.
2) getting thrashed in pool by my little sister.
3) love.
4) moving on. (before realising that there's alot of love left. that has gotta suck.)

3 things i do everyday
1) eat.
2) sleep.
3) laugh at myself.

2 things i'm trying not to do now
1) procrastinate.
2) smoke.

1 person i want to see now
1) A SHRINK.

when i'm bored. (#15)

2006-01-12T14:45:00.000+08:00

i removed my entire cookie business. all orders (pathetic 9 bottles of rolled oats and 4 bottles of chocolate chips) are cancelled due to the lack of minimum orders i have set before starting my entire production (10 bottles of rolled oats and 10 bottles of chocolate chips). so people who ordered (who do not actually read this blog), i am not baking your cookies. but who cares, right?

i hate the way mom reads another book and then use all of us as an experiment. next week, the entire family's gonna be on detox (yeah right, on tuesday i'm gonna go eat mars bars with shereen) because mom just read a book on the benefits of detoxification. so that means nothing but fruits, soup (the healthy kind, not the creamy mushroom goo that i love so much), vegetables, soya milk, tofu and GRILLED chicken breast minus the skin. i shall lose my purpose of living for a week. an entire week. enough to kill me.

Tab TV focused on the topic of Self-Mutilatism yesterday and i hid my wrist at my back because mom was glancing suspiciously at my direction every now and then. gosh, now why would her daughter do such a thing? anyway, after that a number of people texted me on my phone on how scary it looked on tv and told me to try and stop it or else they'll call the helpline for me. sheesh. i wonder where they were when i was cutting myself every other day? this just proves how successful the media is when it comes to creating impacts on people's mindset/life/whatever. anyway, i don't cut myself that much anymore. nope.

i no longer address my mother's only son as "brother" anymore. not unless i am in the presence of my parents and aunts and uncles and granna. in any other situation, i'll address him as "my mother's only son" or simply by his name. because i don't think he lives up to that title called "brother" and the only time he talks to me is when he needs something from me, or he needs someone else to do the dirty things in this household, or when he needs to use the PC (thank goodness i'm using the lappy now or else i'll have to encounter that). in fact, sometimes he even uses my sister to tell me to do something, or ask something from me. which is pretty much okay because i don't quite like talking to him or be in the same room as him anyway.

ah, whatever.

when i'm bored. (#14 / sell cookies issue)

2006-01-06T11:42:00.000+08:00

ENTIRE BUSINESS WAS SCRAPED DUE TO THE LACK OF SUPPORT FROM PUBLIC FOR THE NEEDY.

when i'm bored. (#13)

2006-01-05T18:50:00.000+08:00

ooh, 13. the supposedly unlucky number. but i like it like i like all the other numbers except 9. i have a special preference for that one. :)

so anyway, enjoy this extract from Girl With A Pearl Earring by Tracy Chavelier. (a good read, i must say. this is my fourth.)

------------

Later I asked Tanneke why Catharina had been hiding.

"Oh, van Leeuwenhock was here," she answered, chuckling. "A friend of the master's. She's afraid of him."

"Why?"

Tanneke laughed harder. "She broke his box! She was looking in it and knocked it over. You know how clumsy she is."

I thought of my mother's knife spinning across the floor. "What box?"

"He has a wooden box that you look in and - see things."

"What things?"

"All sorts of things!" Tanneke replied impatiently. She clearly did not want to talk about the box. "Young mistress broke it, and van Leeuwenhock won't see her now. That's why master won't allow her in his room unless he's there. Perhaps he thinks she'll knock over a painting!"

I discovered what the box was the next morning, the day he spoke to me about things that took me many months to understand.

When I arrived to clean the studio, the easel and chair had been moved to one side. The desk was in their place, cleared of papers and prints. On it sat a wooden box about the size of a chest for storing clothes in. A smaller box was attached to one side, with a round object protruding from it.

I did not understand what it was, but I did not dare touch it. I went about my cleaning, glancing over it at now and then as if its use would suddenly become clear to me. I cleaned the corner, then the rest of the room, dusting the box so that I hardly touched it with my cloth. I cleaned the storeroom and mopped the floor. When I was done I stood in front of the box, arms crossed, moving around to study it.

My back was to the door but I knew suddenly that he was standing there. I wasn't sure whether to turn round or wait for him to speak.

He must have made the door creak, for then I was able to turn and face him. He was leaning against the treshold, wearing a long black robe over his daily clothes. He was watching me curiously, but he did not seem anxious that I might damage his box.

"Do you want to look in it?" he asked. It was the first time he had spoken to me directly since he asked about the vegetables many weeks before.

"Yes, sir. I do," I replied without knowing what I was agreeing to. "What is it?"

"It is called a camera obscura."

------------

now, for those who don't know, camera obscura is the "official" name for the camera (d'oh). like a scientific term or something. whatever. and those who know me would know that i have a passion for photography and art, so yeah, the passion contributes to the biased judgement of the beauty of the novel. (get it? if you don't, never mind. it doesn't sound quite right to me either.)

boredom has made me succumbed to talking to myself (and sometimes imaginary readers cos i know only a couple out there who reads my blog) on my blog about topics of mass unconcerns.

my sister's turning twelve. any gift ideas, wonderers of the virtual reality?

when i'm bored. (#12)

2006-01-03T08:14:00.000+08:00

i am so irritated CAN?!!!! i slaved myself to get up at 7.30AM just so i can get myself at the mosque's kindergarted at 8.00 so that i can film their "lovely (insert petals falling out of nowhere here) first day at school" just to recieve a call from my mother (yes, she is the Executive Officer for Education there. so that means she handles all matters concerning the educational faculty there. be it kindergarten, religious classes, Quran reciting classes, tuition, you name it.) saying that i was supposed to be there at 7.30 and it was already 7.57am so come 3 hours later for the afternoon session instead. like what in the name of ganja?! i could have slept in! (i assume people who actually read this blog know that i have difficulty making myself go to sleep. MAJOR difficulty.) and no, Polar's Chicken Puff can NOT make up for this entire catastrophe.

on lighter note, my aunt sms-ed me to meet her later at the mosque at the same time my mom wants me to be there to pass me my darling PAY. :)

yesterday, on the way to dinner, daddy was contemplating whether or not we should go to my cousin's new house after dinner since we couldn't make it to his housewarming last sunday. (yeh, yeh, the new year's day of which daddy had to go to work. freak the press!) he got my cousin one of those cooling fans, i suppose, since he'll be living in amk and singapore is very very very warm and humid place. (one day, all of us are just gonna melt because there is no more ozone layer and we are so near the equator and we are all gonna turn into one whole pile of human-goo/gunk thing.) and i suddenly blurted:

"when i get married and i move to my own house, you can give me an entire knife set. it'll be fun."

like what the hell is wrong with me?

happy going to school, all ya suckazzzzzzzz. (i just feel the need to sound eeee-vul)

**koi, you're so crappy can?

when i'm bored. (#11 / New Year's Issue)

2006-01-01T14:16:00.000+08:00

proof that i'm very blur/don't give a damn about the new year:

1) while everyone else were all hyped up with countdown parties and such, i just want my supper.

2) it took me a while to digest that the reason people keep on sms-ing "happy new year" sms-es was because it's already 2006.

3) while i was eating my breakfast (okay, lunch. i woke up at 1310hrs) and my cousins were busy playing with lightsavers on the xbox, i suddenly shouted,"oh my goodness, it's 2006 already!"

4) the bloody semi-d people opposite my house had a major party event thing, but they were singing happy birthday and cny-ish songs, so it didn't occur to me that it was a welcoming-2006 party.

5) i have no new year's resolution.

6) i really don't get why people even bother fussing about the new year. it's just another year.

7) actually, i'm not sure why i am fussing about why i am so blur/don't give a damn about the new year. so i conclude i am blur.

chalet was so-so. it wasn't the worst that i've been to, but it wasn't the best either. the food was great. i loved the sotong and the satay but i can never forgive sean, alvin, chinyang and victor for eating the buttered sotong without calling me out of that aircon room. well, narnia was good. it's a little bit like LOTR, though. that is, the war bit. steffi thinks the hiding under the rock was like LOTR too but i think it reminds me of Jurassic Park more. but heck, i do love the effects and the costumes. i guess it'll just have to tie with HP:GoF for the movies of the year in my opinion.

congrats to zara. :)

to all FSV-ers, MCS-ers, T8-ers and CJC-ians and JC2 students-ers: happy 'A' leveling next year, bitches. ;p oh, sorry. this year. i keep on forgetting its 2006 already. (it sucks so far, the 14 hours of 2006.)

well, i think i should end this post with HAPPY NEW YEAR. (God knows whatever for.)

when i'm bored. (#10)

2005-12-28T12:33:00.000+08:00

life is made such that it's not fair, sometimes, or even most of the time. and we cannot do a thing about it because if there is fairness in everything we do, and equality for everyone, the world will be perfect, there won't be any empathy, love or compassion.

sometimes i feel that it is unfair how much credit i recieve for doing favours for people. and some of the favours they do not even know of. it's like being stabbed in the back. you do so much for one person, and then you get the blame for everything. and sometimes the blame is way beyond control, to such an extent that you become confused, almost jeapordised, of what to do next: drop the favour and ruin the ties, or continue with it and bear the burden on your own.

i don't know what the hell i am talking about. i guess, i am just bored. and confused. of what to wear for my interview. nyeh heh.

when i'm bored. (#09)

2005-12-27T21:25:00.000+08:00

5 things that i don't think you know about me:

1) i appear to be a very sociable person, but deep deep down, i am a shy person. the only reason i appear sociable is because i don't want to appear afraid and vulnerable and everything that goes along with those two.

2) i have tangles in my hair so complicated i'll never get them right. (metaphorically)

3) although i seem to wish it so often that i could turn back time, i wouldn't know what i would change in my past, apart from my weight problem.

4) i would never ever want to be alone, though it seems i love to dwell in my solitude and find bliss in ignorance.

5) i think all we ever need is a lot of love and candle-light.

job interview tomorrow. though i really want to get that relief teaching job. heh heh. i love kids. not. i just need income. if only we don't have to grow up, then all these things wouldn't be of matter.

PEOPLE DONATE TO THE DNA FUND.

when i'm bored. (x'mas issue)

2005-12-25T11:43:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it.

i am still sleepy but jo's xmas lunch thing is in 1 hr and 45 mins, so i really shouldn't go back to bed. hmm, i've got a video camcorder now. it's rather weird when i don't ask for things and i tend to get them out of the blue. like the digital camera, and the laptop, and the new JVC DF570 video camcorder. well, might as well be very appreciative instead of ranting on things that i don't have. (like a Creative Zen Neeon, a minifridge in my room, and a pet cheetah)

ya, so anyway, to prevent me from sleeping:

Put an 'x' which applies to you:

(x) i have a cell phone

( ) i am an only child

( ) i am a shopaholic

(x) i have smoked a cigarette before

( ) i have done drugs

(x) i love cold weather

(x) i can't live without music

( ) i have no tolerance of ignorant people

( ) i'll be in this town forever

(x) i've been to 5 other countries

(x) i have more than a few horrible memories

( ) i am addicted to chocolate

(x) i love airplane rides

( ) i love taking pictures

(x) i can be mean when i want to

(x) my parents care about my grades

(x) one of my best friends is a guy

(x) i am easy to talk to

( ) i hate when people are late

( ) i have too many clothes in my closet

(x) i love to sleep (this is when i get the chance to. heh)

(x) i wish i was smarter

( ) i HATE drama

(x) i love acting

( ) i never fight with my parents

(x) i can't control my emotions

(x) i have moved on more than once

( ) i truly care about my friends

(x) i love to draw

(x) i love my computer

( ) i love people who sing

( ) i'm a happy person

( ) i love to dance

(x) i love to sing

( ) i love cleaning my room

( ) i tend to get jealous very easily

( ) i love school

(x) i love night better than day

(x) i have been on the phone for over 5 hours

(x) i don't like to study for tests (it's not that i don't like. i just don't.)

( ) i am too forgiving

(x) i miss elementary school

( ) i love chocolate kisses

( ) i love the color pink

( ) my eye color changes

( ) i become stressed easily

( ) i hate liars!

( ) i LOVE comfy sweatpants

( ) i can play the piano

(x) i love the smell of rain

( ) i love my family

(x) i hate the feeling of failure

(x) i have friends in other countries

(x) i know how to cook

(x) i can speak another language

(x) at times i can be quite selfish

(x) at times, i still act like a little kid

( ) i LOVE Babies

(x) i have problems with letting go of old memories

(x) i lost someone

( ) i hate being alone

(x) i love someone

( ) i love the weekends

(x) i can type with one hand

(x) i have bad memories

( ) i go to school

(x) i sing in the shower

(x) i already experienced camping

( ) i usually get what i want

(x) no one knows the full story of my life

( ) i am close with my parents

(x) i love to read

(x) i wish i was more motivated for school

( ) i hate myself

ARGH ENOUGH LA. (actually that's the end of it.) merry xmas again, bitches.

when i'm bored. (#08)

2005-12-24T11:40:00.000+08:00

wow. i have reached post number 08 of the "when i'm bored" series. let's see how many i can do until i get sick of it and really post blogs with proper titles and substantial issues. nyeh.

oh well, in the mean time, i shall post a blog like one of those "what i did yesterday/what i am going to do today/ what yada yada yada things" blogs which i never seem to fail to stumble upon everytime i blogsurf when i'm bored. here goes.

YESTERDAY!!!!!! (wahahaha, this is tickling my stomach already.)

woke up at 11.30, laze around trying to get some more sleep (as i slept at 5.30 am) but a few buggers in my phonebook love me so much they have to call me and deprive me of such luxury. so, there goes tryinna get some more sleep. so anyhows, logged on into msn for a while to see no one online (i think, i can't remember cos i have a memory span of a fish) so i decided to get out of my room and disturb my sister and then go and shit or something but then i saw my mom on the phone so i dumped the idea aside because i see VEGETABLES on the kitchen table. mom was cooking lunch yesterday!! but too bad i couldn't taste her good cooking (0k la, not bad. fried chicken and some mixed vege thing. who can't cook that.) because i was gonna go out to meet Farid, Reen and Naz. so i went to shiat. then i decided to bathe as well. but then before bathing, i decided that it's been too long since i washed the toilet so i scrubbed the toilet clean before bathing. then, a long shower, and a longer time to get ready. and thus, this explains why i am the one late this time instead of Farid. (i'm not gonna use the "you cannot rush perfection" excuse because i know myself better. joke?)

(i realise it's really boring, but i am determined to finish it off! wahahahhahahaha.)

so met Farid at the interchange. then took the bus to Orchard. then while on the bus, his gf got on with her mom. (her mom really cares for her. she was sending farid's gf to work. TAKING THE BUS. my mom can drive but won't send me anywhere.) a couple of ex-bwnians got on but i don't think they recognised me. but wtf, as if i talked to them when i was sharing the same campus as them. so on the way reen called and said to meet them and we'll have lunch together instead of joining them later so yeah, that's what we did. (d'oh. do i really have to say that when we arrived at orchard we went to meet reen and then we went to eat?) ate at the top floor of FEP and then went to the basement for dessert. loffly mars attack BALLS which were freaking hot when reen stuffed one into Naz's and Farid's mouth. haha. they were like 2 idiots fanning their ball-stuffed mouth. then went to McCafe to chill for a while. when i'm out with reen, it's basically walk, shop, drinks, ciggs and more walk, shop, drinks and ciggs. (she smokes, not me. and drinks refer to Coffee Bean, Starbucks, McCafe and Green Tea) i kept on playing with the lighter and burning the plastic cups and naz and reen kept on reprimanding me because i am killing the ozone layer. but they were killing me. (passive smoker=higher chance of dying. maybe i should start smoking.) then we got so bored we started reciting cheers from Bring it On, singing old old old pop songs and campfire songs. and in the end we all listened to our mp3 players. then we got bored and went to shop at zara, topshop and forever21. and then went to chill and smoke again at the staircase beside taka garden because it was raining. (and d'oh, the seats at taka garden were wet.)

(bored yet? i am.)

orchard was so crowded like oh my goodness i can cry because i really hate crowds. so rain stopped, we walked to paragon to say hi to farid's gf. at the traffic light me and reen were like singing along to those christmas songs they put below the trees. ppl were staring, naz was walking away and the red man turned green so we walked into a lot of people and into paragon and said hi to farid's gf. after that, a long and heart-lifting walk to dhoby ghaut. (i'm getting sick of this so i'm gonna make the journey home simple.) reached dhoby ghauht wait for the mrt, mrt came took to harbourfront so we can have seats, alighted at sengkang and cab-ed home. FINITO!

sheesh, that was only for yesterday. i really don't know how people do that "what i did today" thing on their blogs. it's really, urm, shallow? i don't know. it's just eww.

so, hahaha, for today!

i am going out for lunch with the family. (wtf, the family?! ah, yes, the family.)

when i'm bored. (#07)

2005-12-22T12:45:00.000+08:00

i was so bored yesterday, i drew the body of a ballerina and coloured her ballet shoes and her tutu using my Red Earth Peach-Pink Colour Lip Gloss. and tadaa! there it is. my ugly work. out of boredom.

well, if that deemed unproductive, i read all my past posts from my old blogs. and i had quite a good time laughing at myself for my immature writing when i was at the age of 15 (i think). then, after the sweet 16 onwards i realise how deep i've grown and i can't believe it that i'm posting redundant stuffs again right now. amazing how boredom transforms you. hah.

anyone wants to donate to the "ATIQ WANTS TO GO TO GERMANY BUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE 880$ FOR HER FLIGHT TICKET" fund? because i really want to go to munich and Uncle Amin says that all i need is my flight ticket and expenses cos he'd provide lodging for me. i know my parents will NEVER sponsor for such a thing, so that means i can go and blurdy dream, because raising 880dollars by Jan is impossible. but it's okay, i like staying at home and sitting in my room talking to myself and drawing and colouring using my make-up set while everyone is out at work or at school and when they come back, everything is pretty much the same: everyone does their own stuff and i'll still be in my room, drawing and colouring with my make-up set and talking to God-knows-who. sounds like fun, i'll stay in bleeding Singapore. -grins-

when i'm bored. (#06)

2005-12-21T13:09:00.000+08:00

thanks to my cousin taufit, i am stuck to this song called Cinderella by Radja. and the song is really about the fairytale Cinderella, only that it's in Bahasa Indonesia. well, quite a catchy tune. to those who understand, i present you, Cinderella by Radja:

Ada sebuah kisah

Tentang dara jelita

Hidup slalu penuh

Dera dan siksa

Datang sebuah berita

Tentang adanya pesta

Pangeran mencari permaisurinya

Cinderella pun tiba

Dengan kereta kencana

Sepatu kaca hiasi kakinya

Semua mata terpana

Akan kedatangannya

Pangeran jatuh cinta padanya

Waktu terus berganti

Dentang jam pun berbunyi

Cinderella pergi

Cinderella cinderella

Cinderella pun tiba

Dengan kereta kencana

Sepatu kaca hiasi kakinya

Cinderella pun tiba

Dengan kereta kencana

Sepatu kaca hiasi kakinya

Semua mata terpana

Akan kedatangannya

Pangeran jatuh cinta padanya

if you want a translation, go to the freaking library and take out the book on fairytales by Hans Christian Anderson and read the one on Cinderella. d'oh.

ooh, i got 2 new striped tops! thanks to my Lem and my Chop for accompanying me and wasting time with me outside home. see ya all on friday again my men. (actually one's a woman, but wth la)

and Thanks so much nurul for removing my link cos if he knows of this space, i'll just DIE.

see, my posts are irritangly LOW IQ-ed. i like green anyway.

when i'm bored. (#05)

2005-12-18T10:55:00.000+08:00

CHANCES. that is one thing most of us are afraid of taking. taking chances. the whole "future" thing is a mystery, whether or not you believe in dreams, fortune tellers, premonitions and stuff. and i guess this uncertainty is exactly what makes me people afraid: they are afraid that they'd be taking the wrong turn, making the wrong decisions, sacrificing the wrong things.

therefore, people study HISTORY. look back into time, learning the mistakes other people had done, observing the things that other people used to do and try to adapt it to their current situation. sometimes history benefits them, other times people just get even more afraid that history is going to repeat itself. some people look into history just to focus on the most glorified years and feel good about themselves, and sometimes people look into the worst period of time to mock others. but hey, they all took CHANCES all the same.

i admit, quitting jc is definitely altering the history that my mom and my dad and my brother had made. it's a huge chance that i'm taking. i don't know what poly has in store for me, or what my future is going to be like, but i am taking that chance. of course, in due time, i'll take a look back into what i had had before: my childhood years, the growing up stage in primary school, days i spent in secondary school and of course, the short period of time in CJ. i'll take a look, and each time i do that, i won't know how i'll feel. because i believe everyone has chosen to keep certain memories intact in their heads and leave others behind, or even tampered with. memory is a tricky thing. it's really biased. and sometimes it fades away. away. away. away. away.

some people believe that there is one angel out there for everyone. the one that looks over you, that looks after you, that ensures you are safe and happy and all that shit. but i believe that the only angel that really looks out for you is you. and of course God, if you believe in a higher power.

"dreams are telegrams from another world"

when i'm bored. (#04)

2005-12-17T14:31:00.000+08:00

and that was one holiday without a single picture taken using my digicam. i told daddy to finish off the remaining film in the SLR and he brought his own mini-SLR and finished another roll of film and the brother brought along his digicam, so i just gave up charging the batteries and using my digicam since we already have so many cameras.

the trip was unusually weird. there was the ENTIRE family, granna, dad's mom (nyayi, we call her), uncle harry's mom-in-law; i had been having a very bad bladder the whole time i was there; daddy kept on asking the cab drivers if they have had their lunch/dinner; my brother kept on tickling my youngest sister; i dragged myself to Petaling Street; granna thought she heard us but really we weren't there; granna developed very expensive taste; nyayi was eyeing a RM800++ handbag.. the entire trip was just so freaking weird.

so, during the long bus ride, i realised that i should ammend my christmas wish-list. nyehahahaha.

the ammended x-mas wishlist.

1) still LOADS of tops.

2) 40GB external harddrive.

3) Creative Zen Neeon.

4) sidebag big enough to fit lappy.

5) GRAPHIC DESIGN MAGS.

6) SVA plat award. :))

7) optical mouse for lappy.

8) ORIGINAL photoshop CS2.

9) 64MB Olympus xD-Picture Card.

10) a new set of 4 GP 2300 rechargable batteries with the charger.

and these people better make an arrangement to go out with me soon. it's been too long. (its either that or i just miss you la. -grin la grin-) :

1) SOWMYA AND SELENE.

2) ZARA KOK.

3) NURUL, FAIZ, FARID, KAK AIN, SYAZANA, the other ATIQAH.

4) REEN AND BB.

5) BACK4/MEASELS FAM.

6) FSV FAMILY.

see what boredom can do to me: CREATING MANY MANY MUNDANE POSTS.

that bugger of NURUL had to put up the disgusting photo of me with a lemon in my mouth on her blog. howell, i still love her the same. :))

when i'm bored. (#03)

2005-12-13T14:04:00.000+08:00

i finally think that ryan, sharul, kin, rahs, sunny and dil are right: that i am so concerned about making others happy and satisfied that i forget myself and hurt so deep inside; that i try not to be selfish to others but i am so so so awfully selfish to myself.

i guess change is an inevitable thing. all around me i see people transform to things i can never imagine them to be. i see family turning into strangers and going distant, and certain friends are no longer acquintances but merely passerbys in my life. i hate to think that all that i've done for them were left in vain, and that they are taking me for granted. but sometimes i can't help feeling that way. a simple "thank you" would mean so much to me, really. but no, we no longer sit down and talk, we no longer look each other in the eyes and say what we really mean. nothing really works that way anymore. no, such relationships are limited to boyfriends and girlfriends.

anyway, suaidah, didn't i tell you that i love your company? and maybe you? ;p

he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! he thinks i am cute! yeayyyyyy. :D

when i'm bored. (#02)

2005-12-11T11:51:00.000+08:00

UNCLE BOB IS GOING TO OSAKA AND MEET EMMA AND AUNT JULIA! blah, i also want.

thanks reen for early dinner at magik wok and the chocolate cream from starbucks yesterday. and i know you love me for my company and for bringing back your shoe. heh. can't wait for sleepover tomorrow. :))

am finally done with the 21 book covers that i have to design for my uncle. and i managed to make space! well, it involved deleting ALL of my songs from my mp3 player and then saving the covers in it. and the HUGE files lagged my lappy terribly. so now all that is done, i know what i want for christmas:

1) LOADS OF TOPS.

2) a Creative Zen. or any other mp3 player that has a larger space than my current one. (which is pathetically small)

3) a new side-bag. one that's large enough to lugg my lappy.

4) EXTERNAL HARD-DRIVE.

5) new optical mouse for my lappy.

6) a whole year's worth of bus and mrt travelling. :D

7) SVA platinum award. (fsv will surely want the same thing)

8) my two front teeth. (only reen knows)

i hope i'll get my TABLET today. ok, back to making xmas cards.

my posts are annoyingly mundane.

when i'm bored. (#01)

2005-12-09T12:43:00.000+08:00

as proof that i am missing Zara Kok, Vice-President of FSV Society, i hereby present the two pictures of the graphics we fell in love with while we were browsing at the graphic design section at Kinokuniya about three weeks ago. (i recall that i thai-expressed with linshan on that day after PW-ing) therefore, Zara Kok, when you get back from lovely holiday (and i'll be somewhere in midst of the business and the sky-scrapers in KL), you better tag something on my board other than "Yeknom the Hamkey Monkster" (this is my stuff toy that Jerald bought for me from HK i think. the one that FSV casually baptised Yeknom while we were filming for SVA at my house.) and then we shall meet again before the chalet so we can go and plan it properly and get our black rose-shaped earstuds. :) i miss you la, can? (hah, this sounds so.. CJCian.)

my blog is getting mundane because i am school-less and i have a lot of time to waste right now. so the posts are rather, BLEAH-ish. can't wait to get my mousepad of a tablet so i can start on the graphics for that book my uncle is going to publish. :D

till the next time i am feeling bored again, people of the world.

2005-12-08T21:44:00.000+08:00

ryan thinks i look hot. and dil thinks i look like his aunt who is younger than him and he's in love with. okay, someone explain to me how does a girl in tudung look hot? i mean, other than perspiring in the hot sun because you are all covered that kind of hot.

by the way, that is my kecoh partner, NURUL SUAIDAH. the one that threatens to chop me whenever she's with HER lem partner. yepp. NURUL YOU BETTER FEATURE ME IN YOUR BLOG LIKE I FEATURED YOU IN MINE. heh.

travelling with an adult ezlink card is EXPENSIVE STUFF. 5 days and i have used up 11 dollars worth of bus and train rides. gah.

PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, PLEASE DONATE TO THE DNA FUND. THANK YOU. :)

altering history.

2005-12-04T13:00:00.000+08:00

history has made it as such that they went to Pre-University and then to the University. history has made it as such that he undergone Junior College and then to the University. and now, history's about to change.

i am the girl who crushed my parent's dream of having each and every living child of theirs to go through Junior College and then University for i am not smart enough to clear those supplementary papers which were supposedly easier so that i can promote to year two. but no, i am dumb, people of the world, i really am. i didn't ace it, i didn't clear it so here i am, a failure. tomorrow shall be the day i go back to Catholic Junior College (shame i can't call it my alma mater in the future) for one last time to return my ugly yellow library card, and hand over the withdrawal form and withdrawal letters and get the formalities all done. and then all that i shall have left of CJC is the collar pin that was supposedly blessed by Father Leslie.

i won't lose my friends, i hope i won't. i know i won't. at least, with the FSV-ers i know i won't. the bond is different. unlike so many others that i have forged. and this time, i shall say forever and mean it.

so in the meantime, any pri sch kid out there needing math/english tuition??

2005-11-22T08:16:00.000+08:00

"Ten green bottles sitting on the wall, ten green bottles sitting on the wall. Then one green bottle had a great fall, there are nine green bottles sitting on the wall.." The boys started singing, excited that school's over and even more so now they've got the entire bus to themselves except for the driver and the attendant. The three of them crammed into two passenger seats, too comfortable with each other to move and occupy the vast space that surrounds them, and well of course, the very fact that the attendant was sitting right behind them, they didn't dare to switch places all the time, afraid that the attendant might just shout at them and keep them under his thumb for the rest of the year.

"Nine green bottles sitting on the wall, nine green bottle sitting on the wall. Then one green bottle had a great fall, there are eight green bottles sitting on the wall.." They continued. The bus driver was silent, all the time. The entire bus ride, not a single mutter, not a single breath can be heared from him, just a plain smile when a parent picks up his child at the corner of the street. The attendant just watched him from the back, as if keeping him on a string. At times, the driver stole glances at the attendant from the reflection in his mirror, and few of those times, their eyes will lock and then they will quickly look away, afraid they'll look suspicious of any activity of the wrong kind.

"Ring around the roses, a pocket full of poses, a-tish-oo"

"Eight green bottles, sitting on the wall.."

"Ring around the roses, a pocket full of poses, a-tish-.."

"..had a great fall, there are seven green bottles.."

The attendant took out his silencer and then slowly, he pulled the trigger, worrying if the boys'll hear him. Of course they wouldn't. They are too excited and loud, singing their stupid song. And then, three shots. The bus driver shut his eyes for eight deliberate seconds, drove for one minute and stopped the bus.

And they all fall down.

2005-11-17T18:58:00.000+08:00

as she ascend the steps leading to her apartment, she visualised her imaginary stalker appearing before her, with a sadistic glee and a gun, a rope or a sharp blade in his hand. she pictured her small, puny self trapped in between him and his accomplices behind her, all ready to grab her and knock her out so she'll fall and get lost in an eternity of darkness..

parfume.. the strong scent of moonflower brought back her conciousness as she lay, helpless, with all of her limbs tied to each post of the four-posted bed. she tried to let out some sort of sound, only to discover it muffled by the piece of cloth covering her mouth. then, she felt the sharpness of a blade running down the side of her face and she turned, only to face that stalker that she had feared from the very beginning. and in an instant, he thrusted the blade through her left cheek, her jaw, and her right cheek and pulled it back out and licked the blood off the side of the blade..

ahh.. she wishes.. she desires.. she wants.. she needs it to happen to her. hallucination. her one-player game.

kjlsdf87912kjldfi[0

2005-11-15T20:18:00.000+08:00

i am speechless. because.. i don't know why. so i'm going to post another song lyric.

I dream about, how it's gonna end

Approaching me quickly

Living a life of fear

I only want my mind to be clear

People, making fun of me

For no reason but jealousy

I fantisize about my death

I'll kill myself from holding my breath

My suicidal dream

Voices telling me what to do

My suicidal dream

I'm sure you will get yours too

Help me, comfort me

Stop me from feeling what I'm feeling now

The rope is here, now I'll find a use

I'll kill myself, I'll put my head in a noose

My suicidal dream

Voices telling me what to do

My suicidal dream

I'm sure you will get yours too

Dreamin' about my death, dream

Suicidal, suicidal, suicidal dream

I'm suicidal, suicidal dream

i really am suicidal. i purposely switched off the switch just now with super wet hands just so i get electricuted. i left the gas running for a while cos i wanted to suffocate. and i almost slashed myself again, but i remembered a lot of ppl i made promises with. so yeah.

one day, i tell myself, one day.

CJ034

2005-11-11T17:55:00.000+08:00

and today concluded Project Work. i'd like to grin, but just like what eleh said on her blog, "i've grown attached to CJ034." this week we saw each other on monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday and today. and we're gonna see each other tomorrow. so maybe we should arrange an outing on sunday. :D

ms giam's gonna clarify which supp papers i'm really supposed to take. well, i'm dreading that. maths and econs are like two shotguns on each side of my temple.

well, hari raya and open house made me master the art of peeling the shells off raw prawns and utilising the bottle of Dettol handwash that has been sitting on glass rack in the kitchen toilet for eons.

this entry is redundant. but at least the downloads are complete. okay, shoo.

//CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW! :)

www.designedge.sg

2005-11-09T13:39:00.000+08:00

go to that website. and that is exactly what i want to do.

FHUGGGG LAAAA. imageshack can host my image only for so long. now i have no image on my blog template. you people will just have to stare at a black and white and sometimes blue border around my pictures screen.

HARI RAYA IS OVER-RATED. but i still like the moolah.

For the Darling FSV.

2005-10-28T20:32:00.000+08:00

A tribute.

here's to a year of madness: of meeting up at the foyer straight after school and waking up in the morning and chilling at MacDonalds before going to La Salle, of dashing through Suntec City just so we get to Benjamin Sheares bridge just in time to capture the sunset with our camera obscuras on huge and tiny tripods, of meeting up at the weirdest times for our photo outings, of playing with our flashes along Esplanade beach, of going around singapore for photo exhibtions, of long walks to pursue our passion. here's to a year of crashing the courtyard room every morning because we wanted to avoid standing in the courtyard and perspire our ass off, of staying back so late for rehearsals and video montages, of hanging out at the PAC, running up and down be it with microphones and microphone stands, our camcorders or DSLRs, or playing around with the lights and the superdeedooper sound system, or pulling curtains. here's to a year of small lunches at suntec city
(again), burger king, mos burger and hawker centers, here's to a year of xbox and all those orders to canadian pizza and macdonalds, here's to a year of making fun of the Herbivore, the OCD, and all those identified flying objects. here's to a year of trying so hard not to be irritated by the *cough*serpentclan*cough* and trying to figure out the chicken secret. here's to a year of tapping shoulders and magic tricks and throat vibrating. here's to a year of teaching sean to be informal and transforming zara into a GTA freak. here's to a year of friendship: one so beautiful cos we went through thick and thin together and one that's definitely forged forever in my heart. :)

minions, i had fun today. despite the fact that i was starving and probably walked around city hall three times. i really don't mind you people eating in front of me so stop feeling bad already. just that 2 hrs of sleep the previous night became the source of my mini-grouchiness today. i enjoyed walking around ToysRUs today and acting like little kids who are deprived of toys and then suddenly thrown into a huge department of such luxury. steff, thanks for accompanying me to the esplanade to get my magnets and my calendar. (i know part of the reason is because there's nothing for you to eat at Fish&Co. :P) sorry we couldn't find A scrunchie at a reasonable price for you. zar, thanks for helping me pick out my shoe. but really i think i'm gonna get the other one too. haha. guys, thanks for waiting for me to buy my shoe. heh heh. you lot looked so cute sitting around the pillar like crazy school kids who don't want to go home. oh, to whichever bugger who took the initiative to print the group photo, well done. :) honestly, i'm gonna miss you guys so goddamn much when i'm gone.

Chin Yang: don't be shy. let us take your picture for once. even photographers have to be photographed you know. you are a good pres. :)

zara: LOVE YOU TO THE BITS! all those pinkie secrets and crazy photos and crazy bk meals and crazy bk toys and crazy anime things and your MARVELOUS SPLENDID GORGEOUS SUPERDEEDUPER ULTRA MEGA GOOD EXCELLENT *insert adjective here* art and your recent transformation to a sadistic person (though not quite as sadistic as me. HTF is not sadistic!), how can i not love you, girl?

Steffi: LOVE YOU TO THE BEANS!!! ok herbivore, i mentioned you the most in my blog you know. crazy unmeat-eaterer, asthmatic laughtererer, fellow rockerererererer. this statement is an understatement, you know? ;)

victor: THROAT VIBRATOR! for all those silent busrides home. and your crazy skills at videography. and throat vibrating. open up, yeah? and find another person to take 156 home with you next year. hee.

Sean: OHMYTIEN. you're much more casual now. i love it. :) i have taught you well, my young padawan. i admire your skills at photography and your lameness. continue cracking zara up. HMMM? ;p

Manfred: hah, YOU'RE OUT OF MY SCANDALOUS LIST MAN! wyman, you stop your magician tricks on me!

Cheng Hong: thanks so so so so so much for letting me use your lappy cos my lappy cant install the cardbus. or else i'd rot in the emac lab without the real msn messenger.

Ian: stop it! stop fighting with steffi! face the fact: she's vegan. and i know you believe God exists though you are so... ugh.

Novi: i still don't know how in the world we look alike. :P

YongWen: stop telling the bird and his wings joke. we get it. but you make a good joke teller. haha.

oh, before i forget: MR LEE AND MR TAY. thanks so much for your guidance. mr lee, you rock though i used to laugh at you during first three months because u couldn't draw for nuts on the powerpoint slides. but at least your math lectures were a little more refreshing as compared to others. mr tay, thanks for your advise and all of your concern for me and the cca. much appreciated, the both of you.

oh, mr WU. stop standing like an indian warrior in the soundroom. and thanks for all your help. and your corrine mae CDs. ronnie, we're glad you were there to help during teachers' day (a fluke a fluke!) and open hse. REALLY REALLY REALLY MEGA MEGA ULTRA SUPER APPRECIATED MAN.

well fsv, i can't wait for december to come. and i can't wait for SVA filming to start. and i really really really really love you guys la.

and of course, we got thanked! wait. let me rephrase that. WE GOT THANKED PUBLICLY!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

okay, this looks like a mega friendster testimonial.

a slow descent.

2005-10-24T14:26:00.000+08:00

I'm tired.

Cynical and broken, but wiser.

Heavy with a sense of resentment,

but i used to be so much different,

I used to have so much faith

when I started.

You knew that I always meant it.

I knew I could make a difference,

I struggled to be heard

and then finally, one day people started listening.

and I knew it

but as soon as it began it was ruined.

A slow descent from unique to routine,

over and over,

"just do it again and this time with feeling".

The spotlight.

The focus on the friends and the feelings.

That made those stupid songs all worth singing.

And don't you say a word

unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed.

So we drove

for what seemed like days

over roads

and four lane highways.

We said all we had to say

and I realized in time that it didn't mean anything.

Never,

not ever again.

Not like that.

"It's only a matter of time".

-straylight run.

17th Ramadhan.

2005-10-21T05:41:00.000+08:00

so the date marks my birthday according to the Islamic Calendar. i am eighteen now.

and a few days ago, my class baptized me with my chinese name, Rui Qi.

hello everyone, i am Rui Qi.

so additions to the 18th year: a chinese name.

and what's still the same: almost everything.

who says this year is the same as the rest? heh.

17th Ramadhan. 09 more days to 03's birthday. 10 more days to being broke. 11 more days to double's birthday. 12 more days to Syawal. 13 more days to Prata. and 14 more days to Ryan.

why i love dil. ((:

2005-10-19T20:08:00.000+08:00

1) I can talk to Dil about everything. Every single thing under the sun.

2) Dil makes me smile at times.

3) Dil gets me irritated too. but in a warm, fuzzy way.

4) Dil and I share the same great taste in music. (heh heh)

5) and movies. and books.

6) Dil collects weird things like I do.

7) Dil's in his own world, and i am in mine. But when we talk, we just merge.

8) Dil thinks that pretty girls are poison roses.

9) and he thinks that "Tengok tembok pun baik ah". (look at the wall also good.)

honestly i don't know why i love dil, but i do. so dil, thanks for being such a baik friend ok?

and the same goes to every living soul out there who thinks they've been a good friend to me. ;)

the pressure's kicking in as hard as ever. i'm losing control.

hohum.

2005-10-17T12:14:00.000+08:00

recieving results back is just nerve-wrecking. naah, don't think about it girl. you're just increasing the level of emotional and mental pressure. you don't need it now, cos you don't have food to comfort you. yes, yes, i know. but it's just irritating when you know your results and there's no point hoping anymore.

sometimes i wish i can open up, as in really really open up, to someone and not just talk to walls and stuffed toys and kissing razor blades and thank god for such inventions. i know there are people out there who are willing to provide a listening ear for me, but i guess they are just not the right people whom i can talk to although they claim to be able to relate to what i am going through. i guess i need someone who doesn't know what i am going through or someone who hasn't felt the way i am feeling so the person can just shut up and listen and at the end of it, we'll talk about something else, something to smile about.

the problem with people is that they just respond the wrong way. you tell them a problem and they say "yeah, i've felt that way before" or "i understand how you feel" but in reality, no one wants to hear that because no one wants another person to perfectly understand how they feel but really really just want a listening ear. you get annoyed when someone says they understand the way you are feeling because all you want to be is to be different. you have so much angst in you that you don't want other people to understand but you want people to listen to you, give you some of their attention because you feel that is exactly what you are lacking of.

i am rambling senselessly because i am really confused right now. i don't care if someone else feels the same way because even if there is not a single soul who feels the same, it all still feels very shitty for me. my future is really a blur, a mirage and i am just lost within this nothingness, trying so so so so so very hard to make out a perfect figure out of it but to no avail. it's like being out in the open sea, not waving but drowning oh so slowly into the depths of the water, never knowing when i am going to hit the base. maybe my shirt'll get tangled to a coral, or a shark eat me up along the way. uncertainty; it surrounds me.

i really wish i can glue myself to this seat and go on and on and on and never run out of things to say just to avoid the next lesson. but i guess, that'll be the same as chickening out and running away. i wish for some courage, i wish for some guidance. i hope i find them, but i don't know where to search. the heart is just this unbalanced vessel: filled with a kaleidoscope of emotions but almost void of strength. it's existance wavering somewhere in my chest, prisoned by the ribcages. sometimes it pumps oh so slowly and silently as if welcoming death, and sometimes so fast and energetic like a stallion in the wind.

i don't know what in the world i'm rambling about. honestly.

.

2005-10-17T05:36:00.000+08:00

I never thought I'd die alone

I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?

I traced the cord back to the wall

No wonder it was never plugged in at all

I took my time, I hurried up

The choice was mine, I didn't think enough

I'm too depressed to go on

You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came

16 just held such better days

Days when I still felt alive

We couldn't wait to get outside

The world was wide, too late to try

The tour was over, we'd survived

I couldn't wait 'til I got home

To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone

Another six months, I'll be unknown

Give all my things to all my friends

You'll never step foot in my room again

You'll close it off, board it up

Remember the time that I spilled the cup

Of apple juice in the hall

Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came

16 just held such better days

Days when I still felt alive

We couldn't wait to get outside

The world was wide, too late to try

The tour was over, we'd survived

I couldn't wait 'til I got home

To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came

Tomorrow holds such better days

Days when I can still feel alive

When I can't wait to get outside

The world is wide, the time goes by

The tour is over, I've survived

I can't wait 'til I get home

To pass the time in my room alone

-Adam's Song by Blink182

back4days.

2005-10-10T21:09:00.000+08:00

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent
When love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I have held so dear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one misstep one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so

-Fallen by Sarah McLachlan.

DNA Fund.

2005-10-06T10:43:00.000+08:00

hello everyone,

due to the recent tragedies that has occured, there has been a decline of progress in a certain person's life, and therefore it may affect yours too because if she isn't progressing well and isn't happy, she will bite you.

therefore, to save all of you from this gruelling problem, i have set up a fund to aid this person with her financial needs, and thus lightening a little bit of her burden so she will be happier and YOU will be happier.

DNA FUND: Donate to Nurul Atiqah Fund. it's a fund that aims to benefit our recipient and YOU, our kind donator. don't worry! it's not against your religion, or your moral upbringing, and it doesn't hurt animals or human beings unless donating to the DNA FUND will cause your nerves to burst and blood escapes from every part of your body, where escapable. (and that is going to happen when you don't donate to the DNA FUND because you'll be feeling so so guilty for not giving a thought or helping with the welfare of such a sweet, kind but troubled girl)

so how to donate? just leave a tag with your name and email or web address and i'll get back to you with a mailing address of which you can mail your cash or cheque to! (sorry i don't use paypal) alternatively, if you go to the same school as i do, you can put your donation in an envelope and pass it to me or secretly leave it in my bag. :)

be a HUMAN BEING, do the right thing. and i am sure that you will feel better when you donate to the DNA FUND. remember, helping others is always a way of life. -grins-

ramadhan al-mubarak.

2005-10-05T19:30:00.000+08:00

that means. ramadhan-something but i don't know what but it means something because everyone says it just like they say eid-mubarak. ok, so i am a little clueless when it comes to the arabic language. but i can read the Quran well. :D

so yesterday's terawih prayers marked the beginning of this holy month. so no swearing, no badmouthing, no unnecessary music and stuffs for a month. i can do it! yes i can! i shall repent and bring my soul closer to God and hopefully it'll turn into a habit and i shall continue even after this holy month of Ramadhan.

okay, that doesn't flow very nicely. just that there are so many thoughts in my head, so i can't really type everything down in a very precise and nice manner. i can't even find the word that's supposed to replace "precise and nice". heh.

PROMOS ARE OVER!!!! GO CRAZY! so urm i know i shouldn't laugh at people but, HAHA THOSE PPL WHO ARE JUST STARTING THEIRS!

okay, terawih prayers call.

P is for PRATA.

2005-10-03T18:50:00.000+08:00

3 FSV members went for PRATA,

2 FSV members went to town,

1 FSV member went home alone.

i wanted that to be an allusion/parody/whatever (lit exam is over) to the "three little pig went to the market" nursery rhyme but howell.

okay, so exams are coming to an end this wednesday. hurrah hurrah. what joy. gotta prepare for that open house that's on this saturday and going to so freaking busy that i should just shoot myself and eat 9824389771723908576123 dates in the morning during sahur because i know i'd be so tired by the end of it. rehearsals! rehearsals! i freaking hate rehearsals.

really, i shouldn't have bought the egg-onion prata since the MAN mistook my order as "mushroom egg with cheese" instead of "mushroom cheese prata" because steffi wanted "musroom egg with cheese". and this stupid homosapien forgot her craving for banana prata and prata bomb. heck, i'm gonna go there tomorrow. MUST. HAVE TO. MESTI. or not, die. no PE-RAH-TAH for a month can lead to a lifetime of craziness and senility.

senility which reminds me of my prac crit paper today. ho what joy to write a practical criticism paper. but it gets kinda irritating when you look around you and people use up more paper than you do (although this is justified by the fact that they have awfully big handwriting and that they are sitting next to the lit pros of the class so they have to "keep up with them") and then after the exam people just discuss the themes and you try so hard to cover your ears because the ULTIMATE LIT PRO OF THE LEVEL (ie: rachel law-less) is speaking and you don't want to hear her speak because you'll feel as if whatever you have written was redundant and you'll just feel like ranting non-stop on your blog like i am. but it's okay, my fellow comrades, my vanessa kwek has made me feel better because at least i wrote more than 1 person. heh. thanks nessa if you're reading this which i highly doubt you do. because no one reads this exept that bugger sushi-tei, steffi, zara, nurul and the occasional urbanini.

steffi, stop worrying abt the "teenage superficiality pertaining issues that concern blablabla" because i know you can write well, so heck it if you have to write about blogs man. one more paper, the open house, then there's that orangasli trip to look forward to! oh, but you're not going. so urm, THERE'S THAT NEW YEAR'S CHALET TO LOOK FORWARD TOO. and china for you, if that makes you feel better. hah, communication breakdown. may the Loe be with you man.

i was bored. really.

2005-09-30T21:32:00.000+08:00

Conversation with the Alien Brother.

2005-09-27T15:07:00.000+08:00

Hello, Stranger in with my Brother's Face.

why do you lurk my life? you're presence is a walking question mark to me. you look familiar, though. are you part of my history? or have i lost my memory? they say you're my brothher and i guess you're disguising really well. get out, alien, from my brother's body! bring back my brother to me..

no, after second thoughts, stay. i don't really love my brother any more anyway. "what happened?", you ask?! i myself don't know. but i guess i should just don't fret about it anymore. i lost someone i thought i knew before, so why should this one matter? "he's FAMILY." you say?! FAMILIES BREAK DOWN. MY FAMILY'S AN ENTIRE TROOP OF ACTORS. VERY GOOD ACTORS, I MIGHT ADD; WE SHOULD BE THE ONES WINNING THE GRAMMIES!

"why are you so numb?", you ask?! when you go through too much on your own and you bottle all of it up inside, the feeling just overtakes you and you can't control how you want to be. you start doing stupid things, things you know that are senseless, pointless, against your morale and religious upbringing; things you never imagined you'll end up doing when you were young and naive. you scrutinized people even though you know better than to blindly judge because they have something that you don't. you wonder why these things happen to you, and you wonder if these are challenges created by your own mind or is God really testing your faith, your will, your trust, your hope, love and fear. but still you act as if you're strong because that is what people think of you. but people do not hear you talking to yourself, people do not see you weeping and hurting yourself in the dark hours of the night. you roam places hoping to be seen and treated properly but you are still very, very invisible to everyone. respect you try to earn, hearts you try to please, love you try to find but ignorance is forever bliss.

"you just contradicted yourself. you're full of emotions." yes i know, we all do.

"so do you still want your brother back?" no, too late for that now.

"how come?" he's gone.

"but he's still alive, here, with me. somewhere." he's already dead to me anyway.

we sing a chorus we both know. but we don't see that connection.

"When I am alone, I feel so much better.

When I'm around you, I don't feel together."

the atiq breaks down.

2005-09-22T11:15:00.000+08:00

okay, so what can you conclude when they day that i break down in front of everyone finally came? she totally lost it man, she totally lost it. i never thought she'd break down and cry, she seems so emotionless, so adaptabale and happy. what in the world happened? i don't know but now everyone knows i've been pretending.

i meant to have it tucked away from everyone but i guess kin was right. i bottled too much inside and i'm only human too and thus the point will come when i just can't take it any longer and shall burst out into tears. ryan told me, "don't waste your opportunity, man. you don't want to screw things up like i did" but i really don't know. maybe the opportunity offered isn't the one that i like, or want.

i know what i want, but i know, i just can't get it, yet. and i just don't want to wait any longer. everyday, it just hurts even more to pretend. and it's ironic. people out there now know how i feel and what i want, but they are totally oblivious to it.

i know they meant the best for me, but maybe what they are giving me isn't what i need. and i guess im too chicken shit to tell them. (or maybe the fact that i know things will not change; i'm still choiceless).

howell, seoul garden awaits me in a while. food is comfort. sorry steff, im gonna eat meat today.

sugar rush.

2005-09-19T19:57:00.000+08:00

WOOOHOOOO. LDJ NOTES ARE UPPP. this shows that you don't have to attend lectures to have your lecture notes. be like me: skip school, and get your lecture notes online. nyehahaha.

honestly, i really should tell him that i fancy him. but this part of me says that this feeling is nothing serious, but its bad whenever i am with nurul or with my cousins, i'll go "HE'S SO CUTE. AND HE'S SO INTELLIGENT. HE'S JUST THE RIGHT GUY". so what he has an attitude problem? nyeh.

okay, that wasn't me.

so steffi has this display picture of a lamb crying and a caption saying "See me cry. Why do I have to die?". if you are new to this blog, steffi is a human rabbit, she's a herbivore and if you think i'm unaware that she's reading this, you're wrong, i am aware. but really, i just like to disturb her. (sorry, steffi. no offense but i guess i'll be ChinYang version Online. see, fsv haunts you.) and i have this display picture of some cartoon crying and i tell her "you see me cry? why do i have to live?" and she told me "the lamb's the one dying" and i said "maybe it wants to live but i want to die. so ALL HAIL CANNIBALISM!" and then she had to go "NOOOOOOO!! HAIL HERBIVORISM!!!" then the conversation stopped here because we knew better than to start another meateaterversusvegetarian debate. i may know steffi only after the first 3 mths, but i am already sick of it. i wonder how zara feels. now she tells me to go to www.goveg.com to knock some vegan-sense into my system. so steffi, i know you'll be reading this, here's to you:

I ONLY EAT FROM THE VEGETARIAN STALL AT SCHOOL NOW.

and if it makes you feel better, i have vegan days now too. and fruiterian days. so my week is more or less divided into three: 2 days for Fruit Days, 2 days for Vegan Days and 3 days for ALL I CAN EAT days.

i think i just contradicted myself. but heck. this entire post is kinda, crazy.

OKAY, NOW WHO WANTS TO GO FOR PRATA THIS WEEK? (prata has no meat unless you eat the curry, steffi. so the offer is open to you too.)

and when i look back.

2005-09-17T17:02:00.000+08:00

i miss:

my childhood very much. when i didn't dread going to school and when i did, dad will beat me up until i couldn't sleep. i want nights to go back as they used to be, when i sit in the hall playing with whatever toys i have or watching tv or reading a book and then when daddy steps out of the house, i'd cling so tightly but he'll shake me off and go off, slamming the gate behind him and i'll wait by the door until he comes back, always thinking that he's gone out to get those sweet sweet mangoes that i love. i want those people i play with at the playground every afternoon, with no strings attached, knowing each other only by face and my their first name; no promises but mutual hope to see each other the next day again. i want siblings and cousins that i was so close with before: we'd play hide and seek, pretend to be doctors and teachers, and hiding slippers and set out to find them even though there are 13 stories of the block to seek. i want those days when i have the maid to talk to although sometimes we don't see eye to eye, i had someone to talk to. and i miss those days when bestfriends meant forever and then we'd fight but still make up after that and everything's fine.

but everything is just different now. i guess people change and i change. people i used to know are just gone. and people i didn't know are now just shadows in my life, lingering on the ground upon which i stand on.

i wonder if anything's going on between them. she knows so much of him, and he's so mysterious, i get jealous just looking at them.

The Healthier Probiotics Drink.

2005-09-15T18:03:00.000+08:00

my maths has improved: for the first time i knew i got extra change from the lady selling yakult. aanyway, that's not the main concern of today's post. for today's post, i shall be discussing about.. THE OVERLY PAMPERED KIDS OF TODAY. and the reason for this discussion is because rah's niece has an IPOD NANO. and she's waaay younger than i am and thus, not compatible with such a sleek and expensive gadget.

okay. so kids these days are very pampered. okay, you have to include those kids with financial help at school although society today may feel that they deserve the help and yada yada yada, but really, we all are very very very pampered and overprivelaged. so i think to make this post coherent (unlike most of my other posts), i should start from kids who are from lower-incomed families.

kids from lower-incomed families are no exception when it comes to pamperism. the proof: their parents work so freaking hard for them to go to school. in the old days, the kids themselves have to work alongside with their parents in order to pay for school fees. (if they(kids today) are malays, all the more they are pampered as they get free education up to JC level) and they have the privelage of getting bursaries if their parents still cannot afford school fees and stuff. see, PAMPERED.

then the middle-class kids. though they are not able to get EVERYTHING that they want, they get things occasionally. for example, they do well for an exam, they get something in return. so when kids these days do really well for exams and they come from middle-class families or higher, you know what drives them to do well. REWARDS. well, don't blame their parents to be giving such things to them, blame the government for introducing the concept of meritocracy in the education system.

oh, rich kids they have every reason to be dispised. if it's not for their "i want this so i should have it" attitude being a pain in their parents' ass, i guess they wouldn't get what they want. ooh, and i really hate it when a rich kid inherits something from their parents and multiple that amount they have in their bank accounts, cos they didn't earn it. it's a freaking rip off.

but in singapore, people are generally financially stable and kids are able to suck up to their parents to get what they want and parents are unable to take control of the demands of the this spoilt brats. or maybe they just love their kids too much that it becomes unbearable to see their kid's pain of not being able to have that ipod nano, or that playstation 2, or that xbox, or that nokia 8800, or those shoes/dress/jeans/bag.

i SALUTE parents (like mine) who make their kids work hard to get what they want. true that i do feel kind of jealous when my friends have better gadgets i have or have nice things and higher allowances or whatnots, but hey, at least i have a little something something of my own. and all the more i treasure it cos i got it on my own, with my own sweat and blood. :D

oh ZARAAAAAAAAAA, we must go to burger king and get that kiddy's meal. cos my uncle wants me to get that Totally Spies toy thing for my cousin. and he's not in singapore. so BURGER KING FOR LUNCH TMRW?

gotta love the siew mai.

2005-09-12T12:09:00.000+08:00

okay steffi, it you're reading this, stop. cos i'm gonna rant about the joy of the chicken siew mai.

every week, there are 3 days that i look forward to: Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. well, wednesday cos there's FSV and i'll get together with my muchos loving people of the same interests and we'll just be whacked. and Fridays. who doesn't love Fridays anyway? it's the bloody start of the weekend! :D and well games day but that's gonna end with promos coming on next week and stuff. and then SUNDAY, aka THE ULTIMATE SIEW MAI DAY. that's the day when i get up at a reasonable time (for a weekend) and drag myself to religious class and deligently wait for the clock to strike one for our hour break so that i can go and attack the siew mais that had been immersing in the heat of the steamer. aah, the joy that it brings..

see, siew mais are a necessity to me. i have to have my siew mais at least once a week. the torture of queing up at the back of the line (and sometimes cutting it cos i know EVERYBODY, haha) to standing at the back of the counter and ordering "(insert amount here) chicken siew mais please" and then finally trot away, holding the plastic bag at the edges and then finally sinking my teeth into the siew mai skin, followed by the steamed chicken and my munch oh so slowly to lavish the taste before finally pushing it down my throat and into my stomach. ooh, yum. when it comes to siew mais, the law of diminishing returns does not apply at all. in fact, i'd consider it as perfectly price inelastic (or unitary. whichever applies. accuracy of concepts is rather irrelevant when we're talking about food alright.): an increase in price will NEVER EVER bring about a fall in quantity demanded for siew mai for me. hee.

so remember: 3 siew mais a week keeps this girl happy. :D

well, this is the side effect of deprivation of sleep and lack of company for lunch at the school canteen.

oh, check the new ego picture edits at my friendster account if you want. well, just an asylum for you bored people out there. i know you guys are obsessed with me. that's why you're here. no? don't bluff.

like, phwoar.

2005-09-10T22:31:00.000+08:00

i am a crazy bugger. first part of the week it has been orchard for three straight days and then the next part was tampines for three straight days. honestly, i need to venture other parts of this island.

yesterday's outing with the religious class people was quite alright although the miscommunication was bad to a LARGE extent. who would guess that we mistook Bedok Food Centre for Bedok Corner and that Ustazah Zaidah's phone was spoilt at the wrong timing? and who would guess that bus 10 will come only after an hour of waiting and then when we got down, there were about three more of the same bus number at the back of it? well, the company was fine although i was countlessly tormented by farid and nurul. and I CAN FREAKING SPEAK MALAY OK!! and stop calling me AYU. for i am not ELEGANT. FAR FROM IT. yep.

well, sometimes deaths cause people to come close together. i'm closer to my cousins now, or so i think. well, with so many get togethers to pray for the dead, how can i not be closer to them?

promos are in 13 days and mugging is a word still missing in my dictionary.

i'm wondering what in the world that i've been bloggin matters to you, reader, so far. heh.

howell.

dead.

2005-09-08T13:37:00.000+08:00

death once again came so close and then passed me and took the life of someone else.

the aunt's passed away. and i feel nothing, really. i'm just dazed.

well, happy birthday angel.

three in a row.

2005-09-07T23:47:00.000+08:00

i really ought to get my lazy ass to be more productive when it comes to studying. and housework. and posting photos on my blog. but i guess i'll leave the photos out till the outing with the religious class people on friday night is over.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZARA!

well, finally went out with the fsv people and not eating pizza or going to suntec city but at plaza singapura at thai express and a chocoloate mousse cake. :D got zara her mini tote and i got myself my clutch/shoulder bag (which was supposed to be for raya by the way but impatient me couldn't resist waiting so long before its actual use so i used it when i was out with airell and his friend just now) and now i am rather broke. but not so broke cos that date with the ASS clique got cancelled. so i guess we won't meet again till after ramadhan. bleah.

well, this is kinda boring. oh, finally got myself my athlete first album too. and i don't see how that relates to any part of your life, reader.

i need someone to organise my life. just the time management thing. priorities? i know how to settle that one.

dearest sudev, i think its you who has been using different nicks on my tagboard but please stop it. really. and if you think calling me antarctica actually pisses me off, it's not working. cos i'm so blurdy used to it. nyeah. go find some other evil way to make me shut up. :b

i swear i won't go to orchard for the next seven days at least!